Category Archives: Humor Writing

How Buying Slippers Can Turn Into A Fiasco

How Buying Slippers Can Turn Into A Fiasco

All I Wanted Was To Buy A Pair Of Slippers!

We regularly go into the ‘big city’ to shop on weekends because where we live, our largest store is Rite-Aid. On one particular visit to our nearby JC Penney, I found out that needing a pair of slippers could prove hazardous to my health!

Sometimes by the time I have worked all week, I admit I get a little dazed for lack of a better word. When you have to routinely cram all your shopping into one visit and make it count so to speak, that makes it even more brain draining. At least that’s the story I’m sticking with!

We were into our second or third hour of store hopping and Bob was
starting to suffer his typical PTSD symptoms….post-traumatic shopping
disorder for those of you who don’t know that it has another meaning and
there are treatment programs for it (I so wish).

He kindly informed me that he would be waiting for me to finish up –
in the car! Well….at least it would give me more time to think and not
be ‘rushed’. I needed a pair of slippers and I figured he would just be
hurrying me along so no problem. I told him I’d see him in a bit and to
go have his detox time in the car.

First off, our stores here in Central Oregon must be about a ‘C’ or
maybe a ‘D’ – that is to say that they are not very big. They have very
few things to choose from just because of the limited size of the
stores, but hey – I usually can make do just fine. However, for some odd
reason, when I stepped into the slipper section of JC Penney, it was
PACKED with slippers.

There were slippers in piles on the display tables. There were
slippers hanging on hooks and shelves and shelves of them in all colors
and styles. Good grief – it was a slipper sensory overload! In my
already partially dazed state, I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Too
many choices I thought to myself! Stop the madness!

Well, I finally got hold of myself and decided to just approach the
dilemma methodically – what did I want in a slipper? Did I want a slide
or did I want a complete over-the-foot keep-the-whole-foot-warm deal?
Did I want traction on the bottoms, or did I want to live dangerously
and get the skidding type? I was SO glad Bob had left me alone as I
could just hear his eyes rolling about now. ‘Good God, Audrey – how long
does it take to pick out a pair of SLIPPERS?’

We won’t even GO to color. Which robe should I get them to match
with? Should I get brown or should I get white or maybe something that
would go with ‘everything’ and anything? Ones that would not show the
dirt or if I sloshed my coffee and got a spot on them? What made me
think of red slippers I have no clue but I was narrowing it down. I kept
circling the displays and picturing the styles and all the colors with
my wardrobe – oh, decisions, decisions.

This entire event was an aberration – I can honestly swear to it. I
NEVER spend this much time choosing a piece of clothing, much less
footwear! That’s why I know that I was just not myself this particular
day and that is why this happened!

Bob always smirks at me as I go through the store and rub materials
to see what the fabric is, and I have been known to try on something
maybe twice – okay once it was 3 times – but for the most part, I’m a
very decisive kind of girl! If I see something, it is on sale most of
all, it is a good buy for the money and seems like it’ll go the distance
– I’m done. Pay for it, walk out the door. Should have probably
remembered this philosophy at the time of the slipper incident!

I’m Almost Ready To Make The Purchase

Okay – so now I’ve finally narrowed it down and I want red slippers – why I have not a clue. I don’t own a red robe – I own a beautiful dark GREEN robe and unless I’m wearing them to look like a Christmas tree – why red? 

In my stupor though and after weighing so many pros and cons of this style versus that style, this bottom versus that bottom – whew – the possibilities just kept on coming – I finally have made up my mind.  The red ones it is!  Yahoo – almost done.

I slipped the pair of slippers off the table – you know the kind – where they are stapled or tied onto the cardboard display card and they are conveniently joined together so that no man can put asunder?  I laid the little cardboard display on the floor, slipped off one of my shoes and slid my socked foot into the slipper.  Hmmm – I guess it’s not exactly brain surgery – yep – it fit – there was a red slipper on my foot alright.  Had to go look at it in the mirror though – WHY?  I have no clue!  I am not this person and I do not know how she has taken over my persona.

Ah well – I decide yeah – they’ll do in a pinch.  I am thinking to myself though ‘why red?’ and I still don’t have an answer but decide I’d best giddy up and get out of there before Bob starts to wonder what has happened to me.  As I start towards the counter though, something just started to niggle at me and I heard this little voice sitting on my shoulder saying ‘don’t you think you should try both feet on?  What if one foot fits and the other one is screwed up somehow and you get them all the way home and find out they don’t fit right? Better to be safe than sorry!’

Brother – who needs the little voice?  Again, I have never had this unfounded fear in my life – that I would actually end up with GASP 2 slippers that did not fit both my feet.  What did I eat for breakfast that day?  Seriously – I didn’t have any little nips out of the flask either!  So I step back into the sensory-overloaded slipper AREA (too small to qualify as a department after all) and I slip both my shoes off and set my things down.  Then I laid the display card with the pretty red slippers on the floor and proceeded to try on one foot (yep – it still fit) – and then tried on the other foot (by golly – it fit, too!). 

I could have walked away here – picked up the idiotic slippers and just gone and paid and been done with it – but NOOOO – I had to think about it.  I thought to myself ‘self – I wonder how they look on your feet though – you only looked at the one in the mirror.  So maybe put on BOTH and look in the mirror.’  Sounded like a good idea in my head!  So I slipped both feet into the slippers but when I turned to look in the mirror, I could not see because all the displays were blocking my view.  Hmmm – well, I should have stopped right there – but of course I didn’t.

I proceeded to take a couple of steps IN the cardboard display IN the slippers – which I quickly found out was not a good idea!  They tie those suckers together for a reason I guess – so that stupid people can’t walk out of the store in them – OBVIOUSLY!  I do remember thinking a few swear words because I kind of knew where this was going. The next few moments went by really, really fast though!

All I remember is taking the couple of steps and then my arms starting to flail as if I was a windmill – I was trying to stay upright but of course it was not working….that tap dance move called the ‘wing’ – yep – I was doing it (see the video for a pretty good likeness of the moves I was making).  I of course am sucking in air faster than a Hoover vacuum and I’m trying so dang hard to just NOT fall down – especially backwards….oh my. 

 

Womens Flip Flops Flats Sandals Flower Rhinestone Summer Beach Thongs Flat Shoes
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Womens Flip Flops Flats Sandals Flower Rhinestone Summer Beach Thongs Flat Shoes
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Womens Flip Flops Flats Sandals Flower Rhinestone Summer Beach Thongs Flat Shoes
Current Bid: $14.95
Womens Flip Flops Flats Sandals Flower Rhinestone Summer Beach Thongs Flat Shoes
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Womens Flip Flops Flats Sandals Flower Rhinestone Summer Beach Thongs Flat Shoes
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Womens Flip Flops Flats Sandals Flower Rhinestone Summer Beach Thongs Flat Shoes
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I Think I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up!

Well, we all know what happened. I was up – at least for a bit – and I was flailing like I was gonna tap myself to death but to no avail. I crashed backward, and lucky for me, it just so happened that the display table was right where I left it – behind me! I bounced off the table and then tried to right myself only to pitch myself forward, lose my balance AGAIN and fall backwards again but this time into the shelves and shelves of slippers hanging on cardboard display cards on the wall!

I of course knocked off at least 50 or so pairs of slippers that were on the blasted display table – I knocked a bunch of shelves off the wall with all the slippers attached – and I NARROWLY missed driving one of the shelf brackets through my back! OMG!!! And now I’m laying slumped on the floor – and the damned slippers are still on my feet! They were attached like glue!

Clean up on aisle 7!! Too bad I have this thing about being embarrassed – I would rather die than be embarrassed and the last thing I wanted was for someone to SEE what I had just done although I couldnt’ believe no one saw it! It was like a classic ‘you’re on Candid Camera’ moment! I quickly divested myself of the cursed slippers and began cleaning up like I was in a race to beat the clock. I had the table set to rights and although I couldn’t quite figure out how to get the stupid SHELVES back on the wall – at least I had made some efforts at tidying the place up! Whew!

Of course my back was killing me because of all my lurching, not to mention my shoulders – I was sweating like a pig by now and I’m sure red as a beet to boot! I literally slammed the stupid red slippers back on the display table – ‘take THAT you blasted slippers! Stay away from me!’ I was busy looking left and right and behind me because I was so worried someone had seen my antics in the slipper area! But it looked like the coast was clear. I certainly didn’t have anyone running over to help me back up (they were probably laying on the floor doubled over in laughter) so I figured I was safe.

I picked out a WHITE pair of slippers – I never had any trouble at all with white slippers – what was I thinking?? Off I went to casually pay for them and get the heck out of there! The gal at the counter had the NERVE to ask me if I found everything okay and I countered with ‘what does THAT mean?’ – slick, Audrey, slick! No one would know you just knocked over the display table and messed up the shelves! I told her it looked like a shelf (or 2) might have fallen down though – might want to get on that before someone gets hurt!

I got out to the car a little worse for the wear that’s for sure and Bob takes one look at me and says ‘what happened to you?’ I guess my hair was a little mussed (oh, DUH) and I was still a little flushed….I cannot tell a lie so of course I confessed to what I had done and he bursts out laughing! He was SO upset that he missed it – another classic Audrey-doing-Lucille-Ball moment! I get no respect!

Further, when I relayed my story to my daughter and said how relieved I was that no one saw me, she just burst out laughing as well. She really made my day by saying ‘oh my god, mom – don’t you think they were like passing around the security tape to everyone after they saw it?’ Nice touch….

I never go into JC Penney anymore unless I’m wearing dark glasses – I mostly just order on line because it is TOTALLY safe and if they are not going to post DANGER signs in the slipper area, I just don’t think it is a good idea for me to shop there. At the very least, they should have a warning label on the display cards, don’t you think? ‘Do NOT attempt to walk in these while they are attached to the display card!! May cause falling, especially if you’re a dumb old fart!’  It gives new meaning to the words ‘watch your step’ is all I can say!

Safe To Buy Here On Line

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I Now Know How To Do This Step

From Now On I Buy Here – On-Line! No Falling

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Funny Story About City Girl And Camping

Funny Story About City Girl And Camping

Camping was not something I grew up on – hanging out in trees or on the roof yes – actually going somewhere and preparing for it and being taught in the ways of camping – no!

When I met Bob, it was in 1975 and he had just finished a round-the-country camping trip that involved going to as many national parks as he could in a 6-week period and camping out. It sounded so romantic – little did I know that he expected me to know anything about it!

I do have to say in my defense that I think I handled it very well – although probably as usual – comedically.  I like to think back on it and remember it as a great learning experience.  It was also a great chance to get to know each other better – and luckily he decided not to ditch me afterwards!

 

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My First Camping Experience

We had been dating a few months and were pretty much inseparable by this time. He was going to school and working full-time. I was at the ripe old age of 20 but had been on my own since age 17. I was a hard worker and a bit of a bohemian type of girl but admittedly, I knew little about the wilderness and even less about camping 101. We had both been working pretty hard though and when he announced to me that he wanted to show me Yosemite and take me camping, I was more than stoked! It was September but I figured growing up in southern California, I could handle just about anything (har har) – so bring it on.

He had to work until afternoon and I did as well – so we made arrangements for me to get together some food, procure a sleeping bag, and pack my stuff – he would finish up at work and school and swing by to pick me up and off we’d go for a 3-day weekend, starting out by camping on the shores of Lake Tenaya. I did as instructed and was so happy to be going off on my very first camping trip!  

It took pretty much 8 hours of steady driving for us to go from San Diego to Yosemite and by the time we hit the mountains, it was pitch black and nearing 11:00 p.m. We had not been out of the car in hours and I was still in my cut-offs and sweater with my new hiking boots on for good measure. When we finally pulled in at 11:00, both of us dropping from fatigue, I had no warning but stepped out of the car into FRIGID air. Oh duh – we were in the mountains – hello!!!! Too late for that thought – Bob was totally exhausted from the driving and work and wanted nothing but to get the stuff hauled out, the tent up and to drop into the sleeping bags. No problem! 

I proceeded to scurry around to the back of the car (freezing my you-know-what off because it was so damned cold so it behooved me to scurry) and whip out my suitcase. I can still see the stunned look on his face in the flashlight arc. ‘You have GOT to be kidding me – you brought a SUITCASE?’ I was totally befuddled – ‘Well, of course I did, silly – what did you expect me to put my stuff in?’ Eye rolling – that was I think the first day I saw it and it has continued for 35+ years!!! ‘You do not – I repeat DO NOT – bring a suitcase camping’. ‘Well of course you do, silly – because I have one – right here, see?’ (I am so not making points)

He sighs the painstakingly weary sigh of someone who is used to dealing with the retarded – at least I did not have on HIGH HEELS – give me a break! Geez – who knew I was pairing up with Euell Gibbons – Mr. Mountain Man! He just finally grabs the suitcase and says ‘Let’s go – I need to get to bed’…..I’m supposed to be holding the flashlight for him as we trudge across the terrain – which I should mention I cannot see – where are the street lights? Are they insane having people out there trying to trudge through the dark? I’m stepping every other step into a gopher hole or god knows WHAT hole – and even in my hiking boots as opposed to my high heels, I’m not having a good time of it – I’m down more than I am up – and he is totally pissed. ‘What the hell are you doing back there?’ (I think in retrospect, I have heard this phrase from him at least 1 million times over the years and frankly, I just don’t understand it! Can’t he TELL what I’m doing back there?) 

Okay – so he drags my 300 pound suitcase (in my defense, I did not know what I should pack so went with basically everything because I wanted to impress him) – over the hills and dales to wherever he figures we are going to camp – in retrospect I have no CLUE how he found where we were because I was totally lost (in more ways than one). He throws down the suitcase and trudges back for the cooler (which I might add here probably weighed more than my suitcase but hey – who’s counting) – and goes back yet again and again for various and sundry other parts of our camping experience. Whew – who knew that camping could be so much work? I stayed where I was because he told me to – I think he was getting the flavor that I didn’t know what I was doing? 

He finally got the tent up – who knew THAT could take so long – and I was holding the flashlight all that time, too! He is muttering to himself by now and I really don’t know what is up with that either…..I’m not blonde but I think he said something about that or called me some kind of goofy names under his breath – but oh well – we’re there to have fun and we are going to! It’s of course now after midnight and we are going to go ahead and get ready for bed. Suddenly, I realized that I had not seen any signs for bathrooms or showers or anything, so I asked him very politely which way I should go to pee and which way to the showers. He just waved his arms – I said something like ‘What are you waving at?’ He kept waving – then he adds ‘You’re looking at it’ – ‘WHAT? Are you crazy? I don’t pee in the woods – I don’t pee in front of people! What are you saying?’ He very calmly explains to me that we are in the wilderness, on the shores of Tenaya Lake, and that wherever I want to relieve myself, feel free – and if I want to have a shower – go jump in the lake – literally.

Well! No one told me about THIS! I think I will be holding it for quite some time buster – and don’t even THINK I’m dipping into the lake – by now my teeth are chattering by the way and when did he fail to mention that we would be doing arctic camping? Oy vey – this is not going well – if I’m thinking the guy is going to be interested in marrying me, I probably should have thought twice about that prospect! I finally succumbed and had to go pee in the vicinity and hoped to god that something wild did not jump out of the woods and grab me – heaven forbid that my body would be found with my pants down! I quietly snuck back to the tent where Bob was not even waiting for me but already snuggled into his down sleeping bag and trying to go to sleep. He probably was hoping I got carted off by a bear!

Hmmph – well – we were going to have a chat about this tomorrow – this was way more than I signed up for pal! Too bad you didn’t mention to Miss California Girl here that we were going to the North Pole to camp – and how was I to know about the luggage faux pas? I must have missed the memo or the article in Cosmo about what not to do with camping etiquette. And since when is the world our bathroom? Good lord – I was a civilized (albeit clueless) girl! 

Hmmph – all that hmmph’ing and I’m realizing that it is like 80 frigging below zero in my sleeping bag!!! Good god – does it get any better? I had borrowed this stupid piece of crap from my sister who used it to camp at the beach – where it is like 60 degrees at night! She told me that it was a good sleeping bag and all that but AGAIN – Mr. Wilderness failed to mention to me that it might be a good idea to have a sleeping bag that was good for anything below 60 degrees.

Now I’m getting steamed – If you think I’m going to be laying here all night long freezing to death, mister, you have another think coming! I very politely shook him – okay – so he’s not happy – he’s butt ass tired but hey – whose idea was it anyhow to go on this little ‘luxury’ vacation? He is not budging, so I start to really shake him – he finally wakes up with a ‘WHAT NOW?’ I proceed to start crying – I really had no other choice – this is all just too much for a city girl. Between sobs I’m able to croak out ‘I’m freezing to death – you make me pee outside and I don’t even want to think about people seeing me trying to get clean in the lake……you have a DOWN sleeping bag and you have the nerve not to tell me what to bring? You hack on me for the suitcase and now you are sleeping while I’m laying over here turning into a popsicle?’ ‘ I want to go home’ I wail – ‘I just want to go home – or to a motel!!!’ 

Bob, bless his heart is always the noble one – he finally admits that it is his fault – about damned time! (not really) He offers magnanimously to give me his sleeping bag and he will take the ‘good to 60 degrees piece of crap’ sleeping bag and never mind. I suggested putting them together and maybe we’d be good to oh 40 degrees – since it was about 10 degrees outside. We piled everything we had on top of the 2 bags and chivalry not being dead, he did take the colder one and gave me the down bag – I slept like a LOG! 

The next morning found me sitting outside the tent – still in my cut-offs and hiking boots (thank god for the sweater) but I was getting the hang of it – I was sure though that some guy was filming me across the lake trying to use the ‘facilities’ and I longed for a motel room (which I finally talked my way into) – but I learned some important stuff that weekend. First – don’t bring a suitcase camping – it will only cause you grief. Second, always ask what the accommodations are – if you are going to be sleeping in an area and having to use the facilities in the open – you should know so you can dress appropriately. And lastly, know your equipment – meaning if you are going to the mountains, you probably should have something better than a ‘good to 60 degrees’ sleeping bag to sleep in.

Who knew camping could be so complicated? I thought it was just about throwing crap in a car and going somewhere and sleeping like you did at home! The weekend did turn out to be great – if you discount the parts about me whining like a well –  girl – about having to bathe in streams and rivers and freezing my bahooomi’s off every minute. Then there was the night he was putting the tent up again next to a rocky outcropping and I started to see some shadows while I was holding the flashlight. Okay – so I panicked and I might have sucked in my breath and started to scream – I thought it was a bear!  So I scared the living crap out of him – sorry – my mistake! He took it well – he threw the flashlight down but at least it didn’t break. Whew!

Over the years, I of course got better at it (I’m sure from Bob’s perspective there would be another session of eye rolling inserted here) but that is for another day and yet another story to tell.

 

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Help! I’m Trapped In My Bustier And I Can’t Get Out!
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First off – I never even HEARD of a bustier before we were planning my daughter’s wedding much less ever had one on. I am here to tell you, like so many things that I seem to get myself into, this was again…
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Okay so Ive already established that Im not the most graceful person on the planet but really painting? Can this truly be that dangerous? Should it be an event in the Olympics because of the…
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With the Olympics coming up, I’ve waxed nostalgic about my wannabee days as an athlete. If only I had kept up with gymnastics, I have no doubt that I could have been a contender. Sure, Audrey, keep dreaming….

Seinfield

Seinfield

A new Seinfield

    Wouldn’t it be cool to see a new episode of Seinfield? Oh, to have those crazy characters back again. George and Elaine battling it out for our entertainment. And that insane Kramer. And Jerry back in the saddle. Everyone wanted more but Jerry had to be a spoilsport; he simply decided that he was rich enough and took off to play with his money. His mattress is full of money you know, I’m quite sure he jumps around in it every night. (Perhaps he doesn’t, after all I’m just making this stuff up).

    So I’m going to come up with a new episode of Seinfield, right here and right now. Will it be great? Seems unlikely since I only have about seventeen brain cells remaining. Oh wait, there goes another one in anticipation of what I’m going to write here. Yup, it’s gone. Will I get sued, even more unlikely since I have nothing for them to take, not even a car.

    Think of it as a lost episode. No wait, one that was thrown away and spit on. Yes, spit on then then set on fire, and then stomped on because you really can’t have a fire hanging around. Okay, I’m good.

    So how to start the episode? I know, no that just won’t do. But what if? Nah.

    So Kramer rushes into Jerry’s apartment, hits him in the head with the door (it was bound to happen) and knocks him out. Wait, not only knocks him out but he’s in a coma. Kramer says, “Hey buddy, I need to borrow some eggs. I’m inventing Jerry, I got a good one. Oh yeah!!!!!!!” No response from Jerry of course so Kramer gets the eggs and departs.

    So Newman enters the apartment, discovers Jerry and laughs and laughs, then proceeds to go through every inch of his apartment searching for stuff to steal. He finds an old tape recorder and departs with it. Every so often he returns to steal more stuff.

    So Kramer returns to the apartment and hits Jerry with the door once again, but Jerry unconscious so he doesn’t care. He has a jug of weird green liquid and spill some of it all over the place. “This is it Jerry, this stuff is more slippery than ice. I’m gonna be rich. You do know that it’s SO RUDE not to talk to me! Jerry!”

    So Kramer accidentally steps into the green stuff, slides unbelievably fast across the room and hits his head and now he’s in a coma. Newman shows up to get more stuff, and after a long evil laugh, hits his head and you guessed it, another coma victim.

    Elaine and George show up, and like the two stooges they are slide around the room for a good minute, doing incredible acrobatics until Elaine accidentally throws George out the window becoming yet another coma victim. She laughs and she laughs until she slips and falls and hits her head.

    So they’re all in the hospital in comas. The End.

    And now you know why they spit on the script.

    That’s it, you can stop reading now. That’s it, if I stop writing then you will have to stop reading! I, ah, think. Hmm.

   

   

   

How To Put On A Bustier (My Funny Story)

How To Put On A Bustier (My Funny Story)

Funny Story About Trying On Lingerie And Getting Stuck

This is my funny story about trying on lingerie – a bustier to be specific – and getting stuck. I had all the best intentions.

I wanted to be slimmer and look better in my dress for my daughter’s wedding. However, I did not know that trying on lingerie could be hazardous to your health!

First off – I never even HEARD of a bustier
before we were planning my daughter’s wedding much less ever had one
on. I am here to tell you, like so many things that I seem to get myself
into, this was again one of the craziest events of my life!

I
am by nature a very modest person, so I didn’t really want any of my
girlfriends along for help as they watched me cram my body into a super
tight piece of Spandex.
I figured I’d save that little sight for myself in the mirrors at
Macy’s. And maybe Bob just before it came off after the wedding and I
let everything free!

I enlisted Bob to go with me down to
the shopping mall because we had some other shopping to do. As happens
many times though, he reached his limit and he left me to my own
devices. He found the nearest chair hoping that I could go in and try on
the garments and be out in record time. Ha!

Photo Credit Clarita at morguefile.com

WHEN SPANDEX HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN

It seemed simple enough and actually I was thinking it might be a
great purchase after all – if it could shove things up where they looked
bigger and firmer, more attractive while mashing all the uneven bulges
everywhere else together and making me look slimmer in the process….hey….who could argue with such a contraption! What an invention! I might
even come to enjoy the thing if it could make me a skinnier more
voluptuous ‘me’.

Decisions, decisions though – there were
just too many choices! Why is this? I do not understand why everything I
go to purchase has to be so mind-boggling. True to form though, when
faced with too many choices, I start to feel pressured to try as many as
possible ‘just in case’. When I took off for the dressing room
with my arms loaded with all kinds of body shapers and bustiers, I saw
Bob shaking his head and wondering to himself I’m sure WHY he had let me
talk him into going to enjoy his least favorite sport in the world
again – shopping!

When I got into the dressing room, I felt
good – I had myself some options and I was not going to be daunted. I
was going to apply myself literally to the task at hand and come out of
that dressing room with a surefire ticket to make me look younger and
slimmer in my mother-of-the-bride dress. So as the minutes ticked by, I
tried this bustier on and that bustier on. For some odd reason, the
saleslady was either busy or on a break, because I literally never saw a
SOUL or heard from anyone. The store was also so empty for a weeknight I
was wondering if everyone had gone home! But then again, I didn’t need
or want an audience now did I? I could handle this little project on my
own….. Little did I know.

I had narrowed down the bustiers
to a few good choices and I had to admit, they did do their job, albeit
very TIGHTLY. I was kind of wondering to myself if I was going to be
able to eat a morsel of food or drink a sip of anything while strapped
into one of these babies let alone SIT or stand once I had flopped into a
chair. But…when I thought of the expense of the photographer and how
much better I would look in those pictures, it didn’t seem to matter.
What is a little squeezing here and there and a pain or two? So what if I
couldn’t take a deep breath? It was all worth it to look ‘better’ and
slimmer, right?

The very last thing I had to try on was a body shaper
that I had selected. It was hanging on the hanger looking back at me. I
was not really sure why I had selected it as it was more like a TUBE
than a bustier. There were no fasteners, no laces, and it really did not
look that sexy at all! Of course, it was cheaper….. Now my curiosity is
piqued and I simply HAVE to try it on to see if saving money is going
to win out over the other ones. I’m thinking Bob, ever the accountant,
would be proud if I examined every avenue and maybe saved a few bucks in
the process. It honestly didn’t look like much of anything though but a
very, very thick and long giant tube of Spandex – and how exactly was I
supposed to get into it?

Well, to me the logical way was to
put it on over my head, so I took off my glasses and set them on the
shelf. I proceeded to wriggle my way into the most unforgiving piece of
Spandex I have had the pleasure to meet before or after! I kind of was
thinking I might be in trouble as it was becoming increasingly difficult
for me to maneuver let alone breathe and my arms were in danger of
being pinned inside this stupid thing. There definitely was a lot of
squeezing going on! Whoever invented Spandex certainly knew what they
were doing I guess.

Good GRIEF – I finally had it in place
and I was definitely snugged into it – my bumps and lumps were
definitely not going anywhere. However, the down side of all of this was
that I was having the air sucked out of me – or squeezed out of me –
one or the other. I was now encased in this tube from my boobs down to
below my waist and it began to dawn on me that my oxygen stores were
being depleted at an alarming rate. I was being squeezed to within an
inch of my life is what it felt like! I proceeded to tell myself ‘don’t
panic’ – just get out of it and like RIGHT AWAY!

Hmmm –
easier said than done it turns out. I was so firmly snugged into this
venus flytrap that nothing was moving – that happened to include my
lungs. I began fighting with this rubberized tube and trying to get it
OFF of me to no avail. I am now starting to panic for real – oh big
surprise! I’m thinking mentally ‘I can’t breathe – HELP – as someone on
the Playtex commercials used to say – my living girdle is killing me’!
Or was it her living bra? At any rate, I’m struggling to just get an arm
inside to loosen up the Spandex and try and pull it over my head but in
so doing, now I have my arm trapped inside the tube as well. And it’s
my good arm!

I start to jump up and down now in the dressing
room – I guess maybe I thought that somehow my lumps and bumps would
dislodge it and it would somehow slither down my body and fall off – not
so! If anything, all that sweating and stirring myself up was making it
grow moist and it was clinging even tighter to me! I was SO mortified.
What was I going to do? I just could not bring myself to screaming out
‘HELP – I’m caught in my body snugger in the dressing room – bring
scissors! It has me by the boobs!’ But if there was a way out of this
little predicament I was not seeing it clearly!

Okay – so
now I’m beet red in the face (I can see myself in the mirror and I’m
totally freaking out. I’ve got one arm in and one arm out and I’m being
compressed like an accordion in this stupid piece of Spandex. Oh what I
would have given for a pair of scissors in my purse – but then I’d have
to use my left hand to do it and probably THAT wouldn’t have worked
except to stab myself. The thought of walking out to the waiting area
and asking Bob to help me or shouting for him just really seemed too
much. Again, there was NO WAY I was walking out of that dressing room
stuck in a Spandex tube with my arm pinned inside.

So I just
made up my mind I was going to slither out of this thing SOMEHOW. I
worked and tugged, pushed and pulled, until FINALLY, FINALLY I was able
to get the damned thing off of me and it hung limply around my neck. I
was breathing like a bellows, I was drenched with sweat from jumping and
gyrating and fighting with this stupid garment – my hair was standing
on end and I was panting like I’d run a marathon. Who knew I was going
to be in a wrestling match with a body shaper?

I literally
threw it onto the bench as if it were evil – GET AWAY FROM ME – I wanted
to burn it – I wanted to throw it as far as I could and I wanted to cut
it to ribbons! I normally am not a violent person but that whole little
squeezing escapade somehow just put me out of sorts! How can someone be
claustrophobic in a piece of lingerie?

I
carefully hung it back on the hanger and put it behind all the other
bustiers just in case it decided to jump back onto my body. I then
quickly picked the best of the bunch that I had tried on WITH FASTENERS I
might add – and quickly put myself back together as best as possible
and exited the dressing room. As I came around the corner and Bob stood
to go up to the counter with me, he took one look at me and said
astonished ‘what the hell were you doing in there? You’re all red and
you’re breathing like you ran a marathon – not to mention your hair
looks a little crazy and you’re sweating!’ I just casually said ‘oh
nothing – just the heat was a little much in the dressing room I guess –
must have been a hot flash’. Hot flash my eye!

When I went
up to the cashier to pay, she looked at me a little funny – hard to miss
a beet red face and tussled hair – not to mention the perspiration
problem! She was probably wondering what I was doing in the dressing
room too! She asked if I found everything okay and I just burst out
laughing – ‘oh yeah – more than found everything – but really, you folks
should probably put warning labels on those tube things as in they can
strangle you trying to put them on or take them off’. She just looked
back at me a little dazedly – like ‘whatever’.

Seriously I
wanted to shout out ‘where is the warning label on these things that
donning one may be hazardous to your health? Am I the only person who
ever got trapped in one? Shouldn’t you sell them with scissors attached
or a rip cord or something in the event of self-strangulation?’ I would
have been better off putting a plastic bag over my head! At least they
could have a call button on them!

Ah well – I lived through
it and never again have I tried or looked at a tube top of ANY kind. If I
even see one in a store, I shudder and break out in a cold sweat. What
if I had fainted in there from lack of oxygen and they had found me
lying on the floor with one arm trapped up by my head? What if I’d kept
on jumping and crashed through the mirror and cut myself to ribbons
trying to free myself from the tube from hell? Bob as usual got the full
story and of course got the predicted laugh out of it. He made me
promise though if I ever got into trouble again in the dressing room to
please, please come out or scream and yell for help – he said he would
have come in and ripped it off of me in a second – and he would only
have laughed ‘a little’ – yeah right! Do you think that they have 2-way
mirrors and someone could see me? And if they could, why didn’t THEY
come help me?

NWT WEDDING BRIDAL PROM LOW BACK PUSH UP LONGLINE BRA CORSET BUSTIER 32A-40D
Current Bid: $14.95
New Sexy Black Satin Lace Up Corset Bustier + G-String S M L XL
Current Bid: $19.95
New Sexy Black Satin Lace Up Corset Bustier + G-String S M L XL
Current Bid: $19.95
NWT WEDDING BRIDAL PROM LOW BACK PUSH UP LONGLINE BRA CORSET BUSTIER 32A-40D
Current Bid: $14.95
NWT WEDDING BRIDAL PROM LOW BACK PUSH UP LONGLINE BRA CORSET BUSTIER 32A-40D
Current Bid: $16.99

Points To Remember With A Bustier or Spandex

Never try and squeeze into anything smaller than you are around ESPECIALLY if it involves Spandex.
Never try on anything in a tube alone – always use the buddy system – it could save your life.
Always carry a cell phone and leave it open with a number dialed onto the screen just in case you are trapped in Spandex and you need to use your nose or a toe to hit TALK.
Always care a small pair of scissors in your purse just in case this happens to you and learn to use them with either hand.
Always and I mean every time – buy a bustier with a trap door – fasteners, ties, pull cord – ANYTHING – never assume that you will be able to get out of it without surgery.
Most importantly, beware – Spandex is a miracle fabric but it CAN be deadly sometimes if you don’t know what you are getting into – literally.

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The Description and Purpose of a Bustier on Wikipedia

Bustier – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Oh Sure – Now I Find Out

Now Why Didn’t I See This First?

My Funny Story About Being Too Sexy For My Skirt

My Funny Story About Being Too Sexy For My Skirt

Funny Story: The Day I Was To Sexy For My Skirt

Ever have one of those days when you just can’t believe how incredibly HOT you must look? Well, I think I could count those days on one hand but when I was younger…..

Long days past, in my 30-somethings I was embroiled in the non-ending days of working full-time, child-rearing, pet keeping and all the extras that we Baby Boomers seem to have taken on and called our life. There seriously never seemed much time for myself but really, I had no complaints. I had a good life, a wonderful husband, 3 children who were involved in everything from soup to nuts, 4 dogs, and a lovely home. Juggling it all was sometimes a challenge, but it was a great life.

Most of the time though, I just never spent much time thinking about being sexy. Sure, I thought I was attractive and I knew I could even be termed pretty most days. I knew my husband still adored me (even if he tried to wear my Victoria’s Secret panties from time to time). Another story….

But every once in a while, something chemical goes off in our womanly heads I guess and you just wake up on a given day, put on something extra special and you just KNOW you are ‘smokin’! I don’t even know if in my 30’s we used the word ‘smokin’ in referring to hot women! But still – this day – it applied!

Photo Credit: Sil Kobieta at morguefile.com

How I Came To Be Too Sexy For My Skirt

I worked at the local hospital on late afternoon shift and I decided to pull out all the stops because I was just feeling sexy. Out came the red skirt that I usually saved for special occasions and the black high heels that I usually avoided like the plague for fear of breaking my neck in them. Topping it all off, I styled my hair down and put on a nice tight white blouse topping it off with dangly earrings and a bit of
neck jewelry to show off the nice tight white blouse – not the usual look I had for going to work at the hospital as a transcriptionist but like I said – today I was ‘smokin’ !

Bob dropped in to see me as was his custom after working his job; he took one look at me and I could tell – something good was going to happen to me – nice choice on the wardrobe! That was a plus right there.
When you can still excite the old guy after 3 kids, 4 dogs, 2 full-time
jobs and the Victoria’s Secret Panties problem, hey definitely I’m thinking I’ve got it all going on in spades! He gives me a quick smack on the cheek, a pat somewhere else, takes the kids out the door and looks back to wink at me….definitely ‘smokin’!

Well, now I had a real purpose for quickly ripping through my menial
tasks. My fingers flew over the keyboard as I typed out the x-ray
reports. I couldn’t wait to get home and further confirm how sexy
I looked! I’m wondering if I will come home to find all the lights down
low, the candles lit and soft music playing. Maybe there was a glass of
wine and some dancing in my future not to mention various and sundry
activities that involved my outfit but in a less-is-more kind of way! I
definitely did not want to waste this mojo I had going on!!

The
last duty of my day was to take all the reports I had typed up and
disperse a copy to the individual charts on the various floors
throughout the hospital. Tonight, I wasn’t going to waste all this
‘sexy’ by throwing a lab coat over it – oh NO! I was hoping for all the
miles I could get out of this little experience so off I went, clickity
clacking my way through the halls, trying to hurry so I could get home
to the LUV SHACK!

Well, I have to say – I did get a lot of
looks that night and it did my little conceited heart good. I was busy
gathering admiring gazes right and left in my direction. I was so
tickled that I had been so bold
as to wear such sexy garb to work! I was mentally going through my
wardrobe thinking of all the other things I should start wearing that
could get this kind of reaction.

Lost in my haze and wonderment,
I was totally distracted when I passed the pharmacy. I heard a low sexy
male whistle and stopped dead. Now didn’t that just prove EVERYTHING?
Was it not just the piece de resistance to a perfectly sexy image kinda
day? How could it possibly get any better? I had never been whistled at
IN MY LIFE and here was some guy whistling at me in broad daylight (well
broad night-light) and all because I dared to be sexy!

I
blushed (of course – what else could I do?) – and then I turned hoping
to look properly befuddled and innocent at someone who undoubtedly
looked like Ben Affleck and who was probably at that very moment blowing
me a kiss and winking to go with the wolf-whistle!

Hmmm –
think again Bozo aka Drama Queen….it was a quick tumble from
sex-kitten to pervert turning on disabled people! I turned around to
find this Down’s syndrome disabled young man absolutely drooling at me
and he was winking all right! Only he did not look like Ben
Affleck….he did not even look like Matt Damon! When I turned to him
and gave him the full benefit of my ‘sexiness’ it seemed to egg him on even more so to speak and now he is just bouncing around and acting very
‘excited’ to say the least.

I am now so TOTALLY embarrassed
that I am just trying to get out of the hallway as quickly as possible
with as much dignity as I have left intact. The pharmacist and the techs
are crowded around the window laughing hysterically – where is back-up
when you need it? I did not want to hurt the poor guy’s feelings but he
was just really making a scene and becoming more excited by the minute.
By this time, I have definitely lost my ‘smokin’ veneer and I know I will be a laughingstock by morning. ‘You should have seen the guy Audrey turned on last night.’

I
am blushing for REAL now and so totally disgusted with myself for being
such a conceited idiot that I can only think of escape! I managed to
mumble something to the fellow about ‘thanks so much for the compliment
and the whistling but you really need to be quiet – this is a
hospital and we can’t have that kind of behavior here.’ The more I
said, the worse it got so finally I just turned and clackity clacked my
way back to the office, out the door and safely back to the confines of
where I KNEW how to be sexy!

All’s Well That Ends Well

So ends the saga of trying to be a sex goddess.  I decided it was wiser (and safer) to just confine my sexiness for Bob’s viewing pleasure and not try to expand that part of my nature to the world at large because you never know what’s going to come along and bite you in the behind! It is much better to be adored by a few rather than mocked by many!

Yes, I was the laughingstock of the hospital for quite a while and no, I did not attempt to be quite that sexy ever again….at work!

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How To Get and Tap a Keg

How To Get and Tap a Keg
Keg in ice bucket.

Getting A Keg

Kegs are an easy way to supply beer for party guests, and they are available at most liquor stores. There are a few things to keep in mind when getting a keg. To start, if you are in the United States, it is illegal to purchase or consume alcohol if you are under the age of twenty-one. Keeping that in mind, the big decision you have to make when buying a keg is what kind of beer to get. Usually it is best to either buy your favorite or get something simple like Bud Light, Miller Lite, or Coors Light. Even if the type of beer is not a party-goers favorite, they will usually accept one of these three as a substitute.

As far as price goes, the more expensive beer you choose, the more expensive your keg will be. If you do not have a keg shell and tap of your own, you will also have to pay to rent one from the liquor store, which you will later have to return after the party. One full keg offers about 300 twelve ounce beers, so depending on how many beer drinkers you will have at your party, you may prefer to purchase a half keg.

Another important thing to keep in mind is that when you go to pick up a keg from the liquor store, it is going to be very heavy! The liquor store usually has someone who can offer their help to get the keg into your car. It is very difficult, impossible even, to move by yourself, so make plans to have a helper, preferably somebody strong, to come along when getting the keg.

Don’t forget ice! Ideally, you should get the keg only a couple hours before your party.Use a large bucket or garbage to put the keg into, so you can surround the keg with ice to keep it cool!

Tapping the Keg

After transporting the keg from the liquor store, pick where you want to put it, and leave it there, covered in ice, for at least an hour. Letting it settle for a couple hours before your party will allow for less foam in the beer.

Once guests begin arriving, you are finally ready to tap your keg! I would suggest changing into clothes you would not mind getting beer on. Take the tap, which is the long pump you attach to the top of the keg shell where the beer comes out, and push it firmly into the center of the keg. Beer will most likely shoot out, but do not let that deter you. While still firmly pushing the tap down, twist clockwise until you can’t anymore. The tap should be secure and not wobbly or moving at all.

Pump the tap a few times before you start serving the beer. The first bit of beer that expels will be mostly foam, so pump out a few cups worth of beer until the foam stops. After the foam is all drained out you are ready to start serving beer from your keg! Note: the beer will be less foamy if you tilt your cup while filling.

Enjoy and drink responsibly!

Pills for you

Pills for you

I am holding in my hand a pill bottle and it’s FULL of pills. (I’m shaking the bottle and they make a nice rattling noise)That’s not unusual you you say. And of course it isn’t, but the unusual part is that I made them. They are green, red and pink and a wonder to behold.

What’s in the pills? I can only tell you a couple of the ingredients, the ones that are non medicinal. Well, there a little sawdust, and some car grease and onions. That’s about all I can say really.

What will they cure? Well, let me just ask you this.

Does your heart go thump da diddley, thump da diddley, thump da didley do? Does it quack like a duck. Does it actually sound like a drum solo?

Do you suffer from severe headaches that makes your brain swell? Do you pull out your own hair and then spend the rest of the day trying to put it back in? Do you suffer because you only sleep ten minutes in an entire year? Do you constantly fall asleep as soon as you get behind the wheel of your car? Do you awake screaming EVERY Sunday in church?

Do you have exploding eyeballs, exploding ears, and a nose that runs faster than your car? Do you cough up blood every time you drink tomato juice? Are you in such severe pain that every time your condition hits you, well you just have to kick your mother-in-law.

Is your flatulence so stinky that the military is considering dropping you over the bad guys in Iraq? Does your hair hurt? Let me ask you this my earth friend. Does your liver speak to you at night? (I know mine does.) What does it say? Last night it said, “I’m getting rid of your kidneys tomorrow.”

Last week my liver was singing. “I have a lump on me I do, we’re good friends it’s true, it’s true.”

Do you have exploding diarrhea? Are you walking down the street when BANG it explodes? Are you at the movie theatre when it explodes? And do others actually hear it explode? Does your dog actually indicate with his head that’s it’s you when you let one go?

Do you suffer from chronic back pain? Does your back go out every time you do? Does your joints hurt so bad that ever time you take a step you shout out, “Will somebody please kill me!”

Do you smoke during sex from the friction?

I am shaking my pills once more for emphasis. (Chicka, chicka, chick.)

Are these little pills going to cure you? No way man, you’re too far gone. Get yourself to a doctor man. Sponsored by the doctor’s association. GET YOURSELF TO A DOCTOR MAN!

Why is it that every time you open a can of chicken noodle soup there’s always one noodle in the bottom of the can that doesn’t want to come out. It’s like a Nazi noodle. But boy I fixed it this morning, it wouldn’t come out no matter how much I shook that can so I burned the house down. That will teach it. Damn noodle. We’ll just see if he comes out next time or not. Ha! Wait a minute …

Rambling Man

Rambling Man

Subtitle This

I’m singing … “I went throught the desert on a horse with no head, cause in the desert you don’t need a head , L a La La, La La La La.”

That is correct. In the desert you really don’t need a head, because then you have to give it water. And it’s so hot and dry there. it’s just common sense really.

Well, sometimes I like to ramble, especially after a couple of quarts of tequila. I always thought that after consuming so much Mexican tequila that I would be so much smarter. That it would increase my IQ by several points, but it doesn’t seem to work. You know, I thought that it would relax me, reducing my stress level, therefore increasing my level of education by several grades.

But nope, I don’t believe it worked. And as I write this I’m dowing a quart of Tierras Tequila Blanco, and it did make my brain go blanco for a minute. I awoke with my head banging on the floor. But my head has a mind of its own. But things of that nature are to be kbiidkmdwlk, expected. And that, my friends, is a word that I just made up, look for it in a dictionary near you.

Boy it’s hot in here, I should probably put that fire out. But I am lazy and it’s quite a lot of effort to dial 911.

Saw this commercial on TV this morming with a vehicle that they were advertising driving down the road. Now, it wasn’t speeding, wasn’t doing any tricks or erratic driving. It was just, you know, driving. BUT, that right, all capitals, BUT there was a disclamor on the bottom of the screen that said, “Closed course, professional driver, DO NOT ATTEMPT.” Do not attempt what? Do not attempt to drive the vehicle? Park in driveway only?

I’m going to rush right out and buy one of those. “For goodness sake don’t touch it, it’ll self-destruct!” Do they realize what they’re putting in those commercials? Writer had a little too much tequila I think.

And we musn’t forget President Bush’s words: “I did not have sex with that woman, Moniker Lewinsnot. Damn it, this is not my speech! So did I have sex with her? I’ve got my finger on the boom, ha, ha, and you don’t. Now where did I leave my gun? Was it in that kindergarden or that place with all the potatoes?”

Funny how those politicians won’t vote to have rich people taxed a little more. Oh wait, since all those politicians are rich, they would actually be taxing themselves! So what if the country just might be heading off a cliff. But all in favor of a raise and then all the hands go up.

In the United States they have the Price is Right. And it goes something like this. “Come on down and win a NEW CAR!” Applause. Music. A couple of toots of flatulence from the audience.

In Canada it’s the Price is Left. “Come on down and win a NEW CAR … TIRE. Made in 1942 this car tire is made of genuine rubber.” Someone puke’s in the audience.

“Win seven nights in Cuba”

“You get to walk to Cuba where you’ll spend seven nights on the beach digging for clams.” Yeah!

Oh, and I’ve written a novel about a serial killer that’s sprinkled with humor. YOU can read the first 3 and a half chapters for FREE. The PRICE IS RIGHT.

Madman in the Mirror

What happens when a serial killer raises his child to be just like him?

Henry was brought up from an infant to be a serial killer just like his old man, but years later as he discovered that he perhaps wanted to turn away from the dark and into the light, it had become a complicated thing for a shattered mind.

Amazon.com: Madman in the Mirror eBook: Albert Gallant: Kindle Store
Amazon.com: Madman in the Mirror eBook: Albert Gallant: Kindle Store
My novel is available on Amazon ebook … Barnes and noble ebooks …. Ibooks …

Madman in the Mirror

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Moving Violation

Moving Violation

My mom tried to teach me as a child that police officers were my
friend, which I never believed, and once I started driving, I had mixed
reviews of police officers. It was clear to me that the officers that
gave me the warning were indeed, new buddies of mine, while the ones
who wrote out tickets with fines on them, were certainly not my
friend. After enough tickets, and enough traffic court–and yes, I did
tell a judge once that I was on my way to worship, and that it was an
emergency–I eventually learned to behave myself behind the wheel. Though I had granny-ed down my driving, that never stopped me from
believing that I was doing something wrong whenever I’d see the police
on the road. I see a cop, and it is Judgment Day in my head. Perhaps
he’ll stop me for speeding, but maybe I’ll get pulled over for the bill
I paid late, or cheating on my diet, or for ignoring my mother’s phone
calls. You never know. What I do know, is that anytime I see a police
car, whether or not someone is in it, I involuntarily hit the breaks. This type of smarts is what got me in trouble while I was doing a
temporary work contract in the Silicon Valley, California.
It is
not common knowledge that most cities have the franchise, “Rent a
Wreck,” which is a car rental business that could not have a more
appropriate name. It offers cheap, long-term rentals, and you get
exactly what you have paid for. How I came to be renting a wreck, in
the Silicon Valley, no less, instead of having my own car is it’s own
separate story. Suffice it to say, driving this car brought back the
traumatic memory of having my first car (also a living wreck), pushed
out of a drive-thru line when I was a teenager. And I really wish I
was making that up.
It was night time, and I was headed back to where I was staying for the
8 weeks I was in town doing the contract, and I was blaring music, and
paying just enough attention not to kill anyone on the road, and also
enough attention to spot a police car to my right, as I was headed
through a yellow light. My right foot has really bad police anxiety,
so I hit the breaks, when I definitely could have made it through the
light, and should have. What happened next belongs on Youtube. I hit
the breaks, skidded into the middle of the intersection, and then had
to REVERSE back to my spot behind the traffic light, all to avoid
running it. I didn’t know which law had been broken, but it was
painfully obvious that there was something illegal about what I’d just
done. The cop watched the entire performance, the one I call the
“please give me a ticket,” dance. I just looked at him and shrugged as
if to say, “Dude, I’d pull me over too.” And pull me over he did. It
was all very pleasant, like a mutual decision we’d made.
“Uh…what were you thinking?” He asked.
“I would have just gone through the light, but I saw you and hit the
breaks. I always break when I see the police. I have to find the
registration for this car, it’s a rental believe it or not,” and I
began to rummage through the glove compartment.
He gave me a look that indicated he clearly didn’t not know what to say
back to me, which I didn’t understand, which just made me talk more. Being notoriously disorganized, after finding the registration, I
couldn’t find my license, and felt that he needed to know why, and that
I’ve always been disorganized, while I looked for it. He was silent. He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t annoyed, he was perplexed. I too was
perplexed, and I told him, I’d have to look for it in the trunk.
“I truly have never seen anyone this disorganized before. Don’t you
have a wallet?” The police officer was standing beside me while I was
looking in my trunk.
“I think so. But I don’t keep my license in there.” I said, searching
through the trunk, and being impressed with how many things this little
trunk could hold.
“Of course, not. Why would you keep a license in a wallet?” He said. It sounded like something one of my friends would say.
Finding my license was no easy task, and I hadn’t noticed that the
police officer had walked back to his car because it had started
smoking. By the time I did notice, he was walking back to me, as if
coming from an earth cloud with flashing lights in it. It was kind of
beautiful. I was still looking for my license, but now I was concerned
about his car.
I pointed to his car in the earth cloud. “It’s not supposed to do that, huh? Do you need a ride?”
He shook his head, “I don’t think I’ve got time for this. Listen,
don’t do whatever the hell it is that you were doing again. Just go.”
“Ok…but don’t you need a ride, though?” I said this as a second
police car pulled up. He was already laughing before he reached us.
“No, I’ve got it. Besides, I’ve seen your driving.” he said while his officer buddy laughed himself silly.
I left the scene, ticketless, and decided to take up looking for my license in the morning.

Things to do in a Traffic Jam

Things to do in a Traffic Jam

In 2010 i went to London.

I also got stuck in one of the worst traffic jams on the M1 for 18 hours. Bad times

Here is how i stuck it out.

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Recieve Bad News
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Read that Novel
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Cross Dress
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Get into an angry confrontation with a Taxi driver
See all 11 photos
Try your new hat
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Sleep
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Sell your old books to passing Lorry Drivers
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Take a suger rush
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Recieve a phone call
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Experiance the Come down from said suger rush
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Pass out