Up On The Roof!
You Know You’re Senile When…..
What would life be without yet another Audrey tale? It seems that no matter what I do, they just keep on happening! Not too long after my little incident with the bookcase from hell, Bob came storming down into my office one day and he was livid. His office is upstairs in the loft part of our house and he had been trying in vain for weeks to figure out some way of getting these annoying starlings to quit making a nest up under the eaves by his window. It wasn’t that he doesn’t like birds – he just happens to hate starlings. And he hates not being able to remedy something that he truly sets his mind to.
This portion of our house of course is very steep – there is absolutely NO easy access to it (unless you rented a sky bucket and blasted up there with screen and hammer in hand). He is not a spring chicken of course and on a good day, he is none to keen about scampering out on the roof. He had been proscrastinating on it just because of this very fact but the noise was becoming such that he knew they were building a nest and it as they say ‘was time to go’.
To Bad This Isn’t Our Roof!
It was a steamy hot summer day and as occurs here most often in the summer, mid afternoon to late afternoon, you could fry an egg on the roof let alone the sidewalk. Our roof is also black composite which adds to the heat factor I imagine even more. At any rate, he strides purposefully into my office about the time I’m quitting for the day at my ‘regular job’ and informs he that he’s ready to go out on the roof – or out on the limb so to speak. He’s got the stuff he needs and by damn, those starlings are not going to get another crack at another nest.
I look at him quizically of course – what does this possibly have to
do with me? He of course assumes his usual ‘I’m older than you so
listen up’ instruction mode. ‘You know, Audrey, sometimes it would help
if you would pay attention. I said I was going out on the ROOF. I’m
not young by any means, and you should ALWAYS and I stress ALWAYS have a
back-up”. (As an aside here, where was MY back-up for that little
bookcase incident – hmmpf).
I still am not comprehending what he means so I ask ‘Do you need me to like hold the ladder or something? ‘
‘No, Audrey – nothing quite that technical’. He’s actually had me
hold the ladder for him when he was painting our living room with the
super high vaulted ceilings and I was more interested in him not
spilling paint on my piano than actually noticing that the ladder was
slipping so maybe I would be the wrong gal to hold that ladder after
He then informs me that I am to make SURE I answer the phone as he is
going to take his cell phone and IF he gets into trouble, I need to
answer it right away and run outside to the front of the house to see
what’s wrong. Now that sounds simple…..something I can do! It actually
sounds like a foolproof plan!
So off he goes – the only thing missing was some armor or a tool
belt. He had on his shorts, tee shirt and his tennis shoes – not to
mention a hat to keep off the sun (he should have had spikes on come to
think of it). He admonishes me one more time as he turns the corner and
heads up the stairs – ‘Listen for the phone – just in case’.
Geez Louise – does the guy really have to spell everything out for
me all the time? I finish up putting my desk to rights and then
remember had this thought go through my mind like a flash – ‘crap – I
need to clean the downstairs bathrooms before I go upstairs’. We had
company coming in and I just remembered what I was supposed to do! I
jumped up from my chair and proceeded to do what I do best – clean like a
Of course you know what happened – I was in one bathroom scouring
that but good – I did not hear a phone ringing. I quickly launched over
to the other bathroom and was in there scouring away – I vaguely heard
the phone ringing but didn’t think much of it. Hmmm – imagine that –
someone calling – oh well, I’ll call back when I’m done. I kept on
I was almost done with the last of it when I heard someone very near
and dear to me SCREAMING into the phone. This was on the home phone
line upstairs and I could hear it wafting down the stairs to me on the
breeze of love.
‘AUDREY – where the hell ARE YOU? I’m on the roof – do you remember
what I told you? I told you to answer the damned phone!!!
AAAAAUUUDDREEEYY!!!! PICK – UP- THE PHONE!!!!!’
OH – MY – GOD!!!! How could I be that stupid? Well – we won’t go
into that one just now….. Yes – I had completely forgotten my pact with
him! As it turns out, there was an identical message almost verbatim
on my office phone – oh a couple feet from where I was busily scrubbing
toilets and sinks but over the running water I could not hear…..
I dropped my toilet brush in a heartbeat and FLEW up the stairs and
out the front door – to find an extremely pissed off German husband
sitting on the roof in the blazing sun staring at his cell phone – I’m
surprised he did not pelt me in the head with it when I appeared at the
bottom of the ladder…..
I tried to act really casual ‘So – what’s up? Did you fix the
problem?’ He just glares at me – he proceeds to read me the riot act
(understandably) – ‘Do you know how frigging hot it is on this roof? I
started to come down but the ladder was moving – and oh – brain storm –
my backup was supposed to be listening for the phone so she could come
out and help me – but she wasn’t answering ANY phone!!!! ‘ So I’ve been
basically sitting up here barbecuing myself in the nice hot sun while
you did GODKNOWSWHAT while I waited for you to remember what the plan
Oops – I did think really – while he was sitting there – couldn’t he
have like called someone – like next door and had them come over and
help him? Or couldn’t he have yelled out to someone maybe – okay – so I
dropped the ball – holy crap on toast – I was BUSY! I did not think
that reiterating this fact was going to win me any brownie points,
however, so I just did what I thought best at the moment.
‘You know, Bob – I think I’m just senile – I completely forgot what
the plan was after you left – and thank goodness you were like yelling
so loud on the answering machine because if you hadn’t – well, you might
just still be up there! Man – I’m so sorry!!! Do you like want some
help down? Or do you want me to go back in the house and wait for you
to call again?’
Ha ha – he got off the roof – I didn’t even bother him about trying
not to fall on the car in the driveway if he could help it….. Silly me –
I worry about the craziest things. I assumed it is is a combination of
being blonde (not naturally but I’m going with anything I can get away
with these days) and becoming senile. I think I need a sticky note like
plastered on my glasses and then if I see it dangling there, I might
actually remember to read it and get a clue!
Several days later, he set out with the dogs on yet another hot and
sultry day, and since they are after all malamutes and anything can
happen, I yelled out from my office – ‘Hey – do you have your cell phone
– just in case anything happens so you can call me?’ I heard nothing
but hysterical laughter – what was THAT all about?
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