MAN VERSUS WOMAN
I’m singing … “Having my baby, (bang chica wing wing) what a lovely way of saying that you want my money. Having my baby … what a lovely way of saying that you want ALL MY MONEY. I can see it, inside you growing, and I already know that it wants to go to college.” (University!)
I can remember the day I was born. There was a bright light at the end of the tunnel and then suddenly I was in a fight with the doctor. He was beating me and I was biting him. The good old days.
Okay, let’s get this thing started. Man versus woman is like dog verses cat. You would think that the dog would always win but no, the cat has very sharp nails and a scent that we men can’t resist. That’s why we’ll get up a two in the morning and go off in search of ice-cream. If we want those kisses we all know they’re not free.
Let’s see where to start? It’s obvious that men have whosels and women have whathoosles. Vive la difference. But let’s take the simple act of announcing a hockey game.
Man says, “What a goal, the Leafs go up three to nothing (as if). There’s a fight starting what a fantastic game!”
And now a woman announcing the very same game.
“Oh, the guy in stripped pajamas has blown his whistle and now everyone is confused. Oh my, he dropped the puck and now this guy with some sort of stick is sliding down the ice pushing that round thing. Oh my goodness, he pushed it right in the bread basket and everyone is gone crazy. Now two guys are trying to kill each other in the corner. Why doesn’t someone call the police? This is madness!”
Do you see the subtle difference? It’s sublte but do you see it? It’s right there, no not there, over there. Yes that’s it.
If a woman is watching a movie when her hubby enters the room. What are you watching honey?”
“Shut the hell up I’m trying to hear this!”
Man trying to watch a movie when the woman comes in. “Yak, yak yak … (three hours later) Yak yak.
“What were you watching honey?”
“Hell if I know.”
Woman says, “You never listen to me, I may as well be talking to the door!” And the man nods and nods, oblivious.
It’s not that we don’t want to listen it’s just that they talk too much. Guy talks for 5 minutes and watches TV for 2 hours, a woman talks for 2 hours and watches TV for 5 minutes.
Oh BOO yourself.
Woman goes into the store and looks at a dress and says, “Wow, I think I’m gonna buy this.” Then she circles the store for 5 days before she actually buys it. Meanwhile, the guy is banging his head against the wall and sustaining brain damage, and the wonder why we don’t make any sense!
A guy walk in and grabs a pair of pants and he’s gone. Security!
Scariest four words coming out of a woman. “We have to talk.”
“Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Oh, I ran out of exclamation points and I have to order more.”
And the scariest four words for a woman to hear? “We have no money.”
Men are inventive. It’s not unusual to find boogers on a man’s socks.”
And it’s not unusual to find a woman’s hand in your wallet.
Oh BOO YOURSELVES LADIES.
A woman walks into a bar and she says, “Ouch.”
Man walks into a bar and says, “If my wife calls I’m not here.”
I gotta go; I can see that there are a couple of spots on my right socks that’s available.