A new martial art

A new martial art

Ka Pow!

So I’ve decide to come up with my very own martial art. A new way of fighting. It will be as deadly as Kung-Fu, Tae Kwon Do, Karate and Judo combined. We’ll have belts to earn. Kicks to practice and boards to break. And of course fees to pay.

What will this new martial art be called? It will be called Penis Kicking! No head punching or throws in this martial art, it’s all penis kicking. Now don’t laugh. Don’t be immature. All we’ll do all day is practice kicking the penis. No matter what angle you’re at we can kick it. A new martial art indeed.

You’re standing around with your friends, and they’re starting to get a little rough. Push comes to shove, and kick comes to someone getting his eat bitten off. I hold my hands up and indicate that they should halt. Not only to cease but to desist as well.

I let out a blood curdling scream, like Bruce Lee, “Waa chowwwwwwwwwwww!”

And someone screams back at me, “You waa chowwwwwwww!!”

And I scream back until my tonsils reverberate, “No, you waaa choooowwwwwww!!!!!!” And use even more exclamation points than he did.

Then I stand up proudly and say, “Relax boys, I am a black belt in Penis kicking!” Now you know that’s going to get their attention. I didn’t say I was a blue belt or a red belt, or even a pink polka dot belt, but a black belt! They will back up and calm down for sure, some will run for cover. Others will try to block their you-know-what, but don’t you worry because we will have trained to kick the penis from every direction. Mace to the groin!

When would one be allowed to use such a new and powerful martial art? Only under certain conditions my friends. You will all need to follow a strict code of honor. Only then will you be allowed to train to be a black belt. With such power comes responsibility and other stuff … blah blah blah.

The following are situations that WOULD be allowed. So memorise these rules, tie them to a rock and throw them through your neighbors window. (That is a joke, so don’t do it.)

Guy comes up to you and rudely asks for the time. Pow, a kick in the penis!

Mailman brings you a bill you don’t like and, BANG a kick in the penis!

Pizza guy brings you a cold pizza and instead of a tip he gets multiple kicks to the penis! Yes! The world shall be changed with this new martial art.

Police tries to give you a ticket that you don’t particularly want and thrust, a kick right in his penis!

You’re at church and you don’t care for the sermon, well, you know what’s going to happen don’t you? Unless you have extremely short term memory. Going to be penis kicking for sure.

Frankly, the only thing that I don’t like about this martial art is that it won’t work on my mother-in-law. Oh well, I guess that nothing is perfect. Best not to let the wife join either. Things might not turn out too good for my you-know-what.

So I guess that’s it. You can stop reading now. Go on, get going. Oh, you are stubborn aren’t you! Going to make me write this until I fall over from lack of food, eh? (That’s a Canadian eh, eh?) Move along, nothing to see here.