What about me?

I have the solution to that oil leaking in the ocean problem, and that solution follows at the end of these ramblings.

Well, I was born in a hospital and I don’t know why because I wasn’t sick. I was like two days old and I can remember starting a fight with a baby next to me, and he was in one of those little beds too you know. I’m not positive but I believe he gave me the finger. And to this day I’m trying to track him down so I can put the boots to him, but my memory is a little vague. But now that I think of it, it might have been a smurf that I was fighting with. He seemed awful blue.

My mother ate a whole box of aspirins when she was pregnant with me, and that might explain why I can’t count to four. Additionally, I don’t recall having a headache when I was a baby.

So I was thinking about a lot of things today, you know, and my brain was just humming. It’s not easy being green, and quite frankly not easy being me. So I’ve decided to be you. No, I don’t think that would work.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and I can’t sleep because I simply can’t shut my brain off. And it’s very upsetting. You know, that’s a good idea, this is a good idea. I have to holler at my own brain. Let me sleep you bastard! I had to get up and run my head right into the wall several times. And I’ve been getting headaches lately and I don’t know why. Last night I started with some rapid-fire thinking. Why does a deer live in the forest? And I sat up right in bed and I pondered on it. And I suppose it’s because he can’t use a hammer. You know, he can’t build himself a house. It’s things like that, that will drive you mad.

I shouted at this crow that flew over me, “Hey crow!” And he just ignored me. So either he doesn’t know he’s a crow, or he’s too stuck up to come over and talk to me. Imagine, being ignored by a freaking crow. These are the things I think about.

You know that commercial on TV where they brag that bug barrier. You spray it around the house and no bugs will come it. I tried it and it REALLY works.I have nothing but high praise for that product. Haven’t seen my mother-in-law in weeks and weeks. Of course I did go over to her place and spray her right in the freaking eyes with it.

So I joined that ancestry place on the web and I did some research. Discovered that one of my ancestors was a caveman named Grog. He didn’t discover fire but as it turned out he set himself on fire so he could see at night. I thought that was pretty smart. I mean he was only a caveman. And my great, great, great grandfather was horse. No wonder I kick so much in my sleep and like to eat hay for breakfast.

I’m trying to lose some weight and I don’t eat after 6.p.m. No matter what I won’t eat anything after 6. Funny thing is though I seem to be gaining weight. Seems like it would be a sure thing. You know all that time without eating. Yesterday at around 5 I had 13 chocolate bars for dessert.I don’t know what is going on.

My grandfather taught me a lot of things when I was growing up, and he was a very smart man. Taught me how to drive a bike, how to smoke cigarettes, and how to cough and hack really well. I learned a lot from him. He went senile when he was about eighty and continued to teach me lots of stuff. One night he taught me how to pull the bones out of my own legs. I really miss grandpa, really miss my bones too.

So I was driving down the highway the other night and I was drinking a little. I convinced myself that if I got my 15-year-old car up to 88 miles per hour that I would go back to the future. Well, I did it but for some reason I didn’t go back to the future. But I did go back to the hospital when this crazy cop pulled out in front of me. I tried to pull some reverse psychology on him and arrest him instead, but it didn’t work out to well. He wouldn’t give up his gun or cooperate at all. Life funny like that.

Mother-in-law drove me to the doctor one night, and boy I thought I was a bad driver. She was all over the freaking road. She just missed this old man in a wheelchair. Of course I was choking her all the way there and back. I’m not saying that had anything to do with her bad driving, but you never know.

So you take all those guys from BP and you cut their heads off, put them in a bag and see if that won’t stop the leak. It’s a win-win really. If if works, YEAH! If it doesn’t well, they have no heads! Yeah!