Are aliens coming for you? (I hope so)

I believe the children are our future, I believe the robots are our future. I believe that the robots will eat our children. (Is that a bad thing?)

Oh, hi there, it’s YOU. I didn’t see you come in and I was just fooling around. If you would have been here two minutes ago you would have heard me singing that old Edward Bear song. “Do you know I go to sleep and leave the lights on …” Except that I’ve changed the words to suit myself.

I’m singing … “Do you know I go to sleep and leave the water on, hoping you’ll come round and turn it off, just how much you mean to me. Now two years gone by and still my water’s on, and I’m drowning here you witch! (gurgle)This is the last song …”

So try and show up earlier next time. That way you won’t miss a thing.

ARE ALIENS GENUINE? Are they real? Do they exits? Are they made of rubber? Does their flatulence smell like peanut butter? Is it a government conspiracy? Is there one in my closet waiting to stick things in my butt when I go to sleep? Will they cut out a piece of my brain and chew it like bubble gum? (I would if I could) Are they using my credit card? (That might explain that purchase of that globadeegleep) Are they so far evolved past us that it would be the same as us looking at ants?( And you can’t talk to ants. I’ve tried that and they just look at you puzzled. I think one tried to give me the finger once, but I can’t be sure.) Are those aliens going to get out a giant magnifying glass and turn it on us?

Are they the things that go bump in the night? Are they secretly living amongst us? Last time I passed out from booze did they drive me home and have their way with me? Did those little bastards take my car keys? Were they sorry they smelled my dirty socks? Am I asking too many questions? Did they cause that power outage when I was running full tilt down stairs last week?

The answer to all those questions is a resounding YES YES

YES YES YES YES

YES YES

I believe that they are real, and I’m going to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I believe they are genuine. Er, ah. Yah.

What is the very first things that scientists say to me when I enquire about the subject? You guessed it, they say get the hell out of here you moron. And I’m quick to point out that that is not my religion. They also say that space is so vast that even if they did exits they couldn’t possibly travel here. Did they not consider black holes? And what about the white ones people! Space can be bent, Einstein said so, so it must be so. How do we know that they didn’t bend it, thereby creating a shortcut! I once took a shortcut to grandmas house. Took me twice as long to get there for some reason.

So I’m giving a big old raspberry to those scientists that have changed their phone numbers so that I can’t get in touch with them! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaapp! You should see all the spittle on my computer screen, it is drenched. I’ll leave it there so you can see it later when you come over to meet the aliens.

First of all it is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light. Wrong! I was driving at least that fast when I returned from the liquor last night. How advanced is our civilization? Not advanced at all. Only two hundred years ago we were riding around on horses! And two hundred years before that? On horses! And five hundred years before that? You guessed it my fine feathered friend.I know some used other animals to ride on like camels and monkeys.

Do you see where I’m going? (If you do please e-mail me and let me know because I don’t have a clue.)

We didn’t even know how to make a car a couple of centuries ago. My great, great, great, great grandfather tried to put wheels directly on the horse but it didn’t work. Do you know how much we know about our brain? Our own brain! Maybe 5%, but really I’m leaning more toward 1.75%. I took mine out and I couldn’t figure no heads or tails to it. It is all wrinkly and bumpy stuff. Tastes like chicken. And if you scratch a certain spot on your brain you’ll kick yourself right in the femur.

And look at all the stupid medications we come up with, the side effects are worst than the disease. Why? Because we don’t know any better. And why do we do it? Because people will give us lots and lots of money for it. Do you see how dumb we are? (I heard that, you’re saying how dumb I am.)

Look what we are doing to the planet. We are literally filling it up with garbage and pollutants and straw hats. See that nice sunrise in China yesterday? No you didn’t! There’s so much pollution that you can barely see the sun. And on the very rare occasion that the sun does manage to peek out they all run around scared. “OH, rook at that!”

So alien Broatoui probably proved in the second grade on his planet that faster than the speed of light travel is not only possible but easy. And he was only in the second grade, and with their system they probably go to grade one million. And forget about summer vacations!

Okay, with all the billions and billions of planets out there the odds are that they do exist. But are they coming here? Of course they are. Although there are probably thousands and thousands of planets with intelligent life out there, it is still a rare event my friend.(You say I’m not your friend?) And don’t forget all the other planets with just bears and moose and president Bush type creatures on it. Not evolved enough yet for speech but they’re getting there. My cat said “Murp,” and I’m sure it means something. He was eating hot food at the time but still. It must mean OUCH, yes that’s it! A breakthrough while I was writing this blog! Exclamation point! I’ll get the wife to kick him and see if he says “MURP!”

But are they in fact here? Experimenting on us and shopping at Wal-mart? Yes, my computer reading friend. We’re their entertainment. They want to see what stupid thing we will do next? Drive drunk? Fight wars? Drink 2% milk? Doesn’t that make it 95% water? They find that stuff hilarious. They experiment on us the same way we experiment on frogs. We know what’s in a frog, green stuff. But still we open them up and have a look. “Yup, still green stuff.”

So I say to you. “YOU, go and peek into your neighbor’s window and see if they are aliens. And ask them about my credit card. But if they aim a ray gun at you get the hell out of there.”

I also believe that my mother-in-law is an alien, although I can’t prove it yet.

Future bogs are coming in the ah future.