How the Virgin Mary Mother Saved Me
( please excuse the rambling of this, i only put this all together as i was writing it, it had meant to be just a private diary entry)
its weird when your past is no longer your past. when what yesterday was your present, has now become your past.
for so long, my only past was my family & what they had done to me. and then when i was around 18, i decided i would take control and I realized that they were no longer in charge. so i would be in charge and I thought, I’ll make happy memories.
and i started about on my path in life, but at that time, all my memories, all of my past, were them and what they had done to me. and all of the disadvantages they had given to me, i had to overcome… the abuse, the neglect, the self hate, the lack of education. all these things defined me, made me feel like that was who I was.
but today, for the first time at 33, i realized that’s not my past anymore. its my distant past now. i have a new fresh past. bc yesterday is now my past. all the things i have done are my past now. its weird, as its only just hitting me now. i have so many new memories and they were all created by me. which is weird to realize, after they had been in control for so long. all of a sudden, it all hit me & i feel like a new person.
it took me awhile to get myself up by my britches so to speak. i had to overcome all the self hate they had instilled in me. i wanted to be happy and not miserable like them and what they had wished for me. i had to try to get past the pain of so much abuse, so much pain for a child to have to bear. Of being an orphan in the world and alone.
and then i also had to survive in the world. where food and housing are not free. at least not for me.
so that’s how i started the climb. i got a job and felt good about myself. a 9-5 job like they always said was so important. i got a paycheck and then i got an apartment and then a car. all the things they had deemed impossible. bc they didn’t have a car, they didn’t have homes, meals, food, clothing, jobs, love..we took the bus, we lived in filth..and yes this is how people think, this is what they believe. that they cannot have better than this.
but i didn’t want this for myself. and i see now, today, that my Mother Mary in Heaven looked after me and she gave me this strength in my heart.
when i was 4 i had a vision of Her over my parents bed. She was just a vision, She didn’t move, just hoovered over the bed in the traditional way you see Her. and it lasted for about 5 minutes. and it surprised me bc She, the vision, didn’t go away. its like, when you think you see something and its not really there it goes away..but She didn’t. and i remember that most of all..just watching and thinking, shes not going away! Shes really there!
i told my mother and she took me to the church. they didn’t think it was too important..of course how could they? and years later, it only just occurred to me today..how i would go to Her in Mt St Vincent. and i would sit and and look at the statue they had of Her..and i loved it there. it was a beautiful safe place to go. and i went nearly everyday. I always thought it was just a nice walk, a nice place to sit..but today Im seeing no, its more.
Ive never thought too much about all this until today..bc i have been living for a few years now, in a place where i want to keep things light, i didn’t want to think deep thoughts anymore..didn’t want to feel so much, didnt want to remember…. I just wanted to be lite and happy and a frivolous person..so that what I’ve been doing and it has felt good.
I’m blessed to have so much happiness, to have survived, to have made it to this happy place..I see now the Virgin Mary’s being watching & protecting me all along. and I could never ever Thank Her enough
Exactly How The Blessed Mother looked to me at age four, I have never seen this photo unitl today