My dog ran away with my woman

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it, I’ve got no lips left but that’s okay, hey, hey.

How about this classic, “I’m gonna love you for ever, for ever and ever AMEN or until that chick across the street lets me in. And honey I don’t care, I ain’t in love with your hair (It’s your bum) and if it all fell out, hell ya I just might run away.

“They say that time stands still for nobody, but a bottle of whiskey sure slows the darn thing down!”

And how about those songs that come directly from the heart. “I love you lots darling, but if your mother comes to stay with us again I just might just accidentally run over her head with my Ford F-150 truck. And we’ll all cry, and we’ll all sigh, and then we’ll dance until the sun comes up”.

“Santa’s not coming again this year, I drank way too many beers. I made a tree out of bottle caps, but there’s nothing to put under it except an empty box of Cracker Jacks. Tell the kids that he took a heart attack, and we don’t even know if he’s ever coming back. I started that business on the Internet and when they came over they even took my Vet. My credit cards don’t work no more so won’t you please stop slamming my head in the door. Oh baby, did you sell my alligator boots?”

Well, it’s finally come to this. I’m getting myself a guitar and I’m going to become a country and western singer and writer. Yes, I will write all my own songs. “I love you as much as my case of beer, and darling I want you to know, that if I catch you making eyes at my whiskey I’ll throw you right out in the snow.”

If I catch you drinking my beer again, I’ll put the boots to both you and your friends.

And how about these classics that come directly from my pen.

Is that a horse in the yard or is your mother coming for a visit?

Are you sure that fork was always in my head?

Who put all that snot in my wallet? (went platinum)

I built a catapult for your mother.

Where the hell is your purse?

I can’t pay the rent we’re going to have to live in that invisible tent.

I’ve got nothing left to barf.

You’re not woman enough to take my beer?

Where the hell did my beer go?

Someone please kill me, I’ve got nothing left to barf.

I can’t find the basement.

Hello darling, did you pawn my wooden leg?

Why is there a corpse on the grill of my car?

Someone stole the baby, which way to Mexico? (double rust)

The car is broke, the house is on fire, don’t worry, be happy now

I’m not a horse so get the hell off my back.

I’m in love or I’m having a heart attack, no it’s a heart attack call 911.

Don’t tell no one but the neighbor’s cat is caught in my engine.

I wouldn’t sail the ocean for you, nor climb the highest mountain. But if you were sick with the flu I just might get up and sleep on the couch.

Genuine songs for real people. Real life not a parody from TV. Real emotions that come from the black stuff deep down in your guts. Not for manikins or robots or Ali Velshi, for real people.

I think this thing is finished. Yup, I have to go eat. Where the heck is my wooden leg?

Ali Velshi get a haircut!

hoopty

Drive Thru

If someone would’ve mentioned to me while I was eating my tootsie pop
at 6 years old in the backseat of my parents’ Toyota corolla, that one
day I was to be the proud owner of that very same machine, I really
would’ve paid more attention. I would’ve been more careful with my
spills through the years. I would’ve done more than shrug my shoulders
when I watched handles being worn off the doors themselves windows
that wouldn’t quite roll down, the trunk that ceased to open, or the
significant holes that had been worn into the floor of the car. I
wouldn’t have giggled when I witnessed the seat belt being broken by a
passenger we were giving a ride. I would’ve sacrificed some of my toys
for working a/c as the years went by. But I didn’t do any of those
things as both the car and I aged, and at 16 I became the less than
proud owner of a hoopty.
I realize that there are those who do not have the word, “hoopty” in
their vocabulary, and kudos to them. For this population, the esteemed
Urban Dictionary defines it this way: “basically, a piece of (crap)
car. Usually cheap and/or broken down. Can be any size, make or model,
but must (or should) be embarrassing to drive for some reason.” By the
time I was 16, my parents’ little Corolla more then met that criteria.
Most of my friends who started driving when I did, had parents who were
militant advocates for safety. They wanted their precious children in
new or newer cars with excellent safety features, and excellent safety
ratings. My parents’, however, clearly had the plan for me to be a
driving McGuyver of sorts; a teenage driving warrior. My mission, that
yes I did chose to accept, was to take this almost car and learn to
drive, learn creativity, and learn how to be cool on the inside when
your ride is way, way below cool.
I learned, and quickly, how to shake the ignition 3 times to get it to
start. I learned that you can’t bully a hoopty, they are like mules,
you’ve got to sweet talk them. Who needs a trunk when there’s all that
room in the backseat! They spoiled me! But even when you KNOW your
little hoopty, there are still times when you forget some of the
rules….

(Drive Thru continues on second hub Drive-Thru cont’d)

Funny Story of Mice and Men

If you’ve read my stories before, when I was growing up, my mom worked usually at least 6 days
a week as a music teacher. My younger
sister and I were left in the care of her mother, my grandmother, who was a very interesting character.

She was truly a great person and one of the hardest working people I’ve
ever met, past or present. She had
one little peculiarity though…unfortunately, she was schizophrenic.

It made life for me a little interesting as I
was most probably a little hyperactive to put it mildly. I certainly got into
enough scrapes to earn her wrath on more than one occasion.

The solution was for my mother to occasionally take me with her on a
Saturday for the whole day while she taught her music lessons. On rare occasions, she took my little sister
as well but mostly it was just me.

I see
now that it was a very good ploy to give my grandmother some quiet time. My little sister was never any bother
and for me, it did give me an opportunity to go places and see things, something I seemed to enjoy most of the time.

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How My Funny Story of Mice and Men Began

So on one such Saturday, my mom took me with her for a fun-filled day of teaching music. I’d usually take coloring books with me or books to read. But sometimes she’d drop me off at various places, go teach her lesson and then come back for me.

On this particular day, she dropped me off at a pet store thinking that
this would definitely hold my interest while she went to someone’s home and
taught her lesson.

She let me out and drove off with
the stern admonition that I was to not get into trouble (what the heck were the
chances of this happening?) and off she went with a wave.

I went inside the pet store which had just opened
and began strolling the store looking for pets.
I loved animals. At that point in
my life, I even liked snakes and had yet to develop my unreasonable phobia that
I have to this day. I went over to the snakes and lizard aisle and happily watched them for a bit.

Then I was strolling the other aisles, looking at books and supplies. Next, I proceeded to the cages where they had guinea pigs and kittens….oh I only wanted 5 or
6…..On this particular day, they didn’t have any puppies but the kittens would do.

Out of the corner of my eye,
I saw the fellow who owned the pet store walking down the snake aquarium aisle
and popping lids up. I didn’t think
much about it but after about 5 minutes, I strolled back over to the snake aquariums to start my tour all over again.

Only to be stunned out of my little girl socks!!

Oh my GOD…..there must be some mistake. There was a mouse in one of the snake aquariums and it was running all around like it was lost. And no, no no….was I seeing this right? The snake was slithering after it
and then much to my horror, it grabbed him or her and began swallowing it.

“ARRRGHHH”…..I let out a scream that might have
brought the place down. I was still
screaming when I looked over and saw that the next aquarium had another mouse
in it and guess what? The next
aquarium’s snake was just getting ready to devour IT, too~!! What were the chances? I screamed again!

By this time, the owner of the pet store had come running to where I was standing
in horror realizing that all the aquariums had mice in them and ALL the snakes
were having breakfast on these poor mice!

I was wailing something about “Get the mice out before they die….save them, save them” and jumping up and down. The
owner was muttering something about was I mentally challenged?

People were looking and I was still screaming
in agony as I watched the mice running in vain all around the aquariums. Oh why didn’t I just reach in and grab them
all and save them? Why wasn’t anyone rescuing them or making the snakes stop it?

Too late…..instead of me reaching in and grabbing them out of the aquariums (which I was about to do) and saving all the mice lives for the day, I was grabbed by the elbow and
quickly escorted outside to the curb and deposited there.

The owner politely through gritted teeth told
me to sit my butt down (or words to that effect….I understood swearing….what did he think I was, a slow top?) and to
wait for my mother.

“Oh and by the
way, tell your old lady (who was THAT?) that the pet store is not a babysitter
for her daughter. Do NOT come back here
again little girl!”

So I sat on the curb hugging my knees thinking about mice and snakes. I guess that day I learned about the food
chain and how terrible it must be to be a mouse. Especially when you have no way out and the
fight isn’t even fair. Maybe that’s why
I went on to hate snakes and fear for my life when faced with them.

All I know is some lessons are painful to learn in life but I guess that’s
how we all grow up.

When my mother came
to pick me up and asked how it went, I told her my tale and she looked at me a
bit shocked and said “They fed the snakes while you were standing
there?”

At least she didn’t get mad
because I got kicked out for screaming…..or when I told her I was going to try to save them before the owner rudely kicked me out! And that he was talking about some ‘old lady’….I still couldn’t figure out how he knew about my grandmother.

Funny Story About Mice and Men

I think to this day, I sympathize with mice all over the world.  I have yet to be frightened by a mouse in my entire life.  Even if I think about them being a rodent, I have only to think back on that day and remember seeing a whole ‘herd’ of mice wiped out.  I figure they are the downtrodden rodents and we must feel their pain maybe just a little bit.

On the other hand, to this day, I’m not a fan of snakes.  I do realize that it’s all a cycle of course but I do think some things in life we are just better off not knowing or more importantly seeing! 

I’m sure the people in the pet store probably thought I was possessed and I suppose for a moment I was…..all I could think to do was try and save the poor mice but I think I might have been a bit too late!

I never did go back to the pet store and ever since that experience with mice and men, I simply avoid reptiles altogether.  At least the ones that are in aquariums!

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Favorite Funny Stories: A Day at the Lake

Last week, we were thrilled to have our daughter Katie and her husband Kevin along with our middle son Patrick all come down for a visit to Central Oregon.

Any time that we have company at our house, I am thrilled to death! First off, I get some new material usually for my hubs…inevitably….and second, I get to see my kids and Kevin. And lastly, I get to try out all my latest and not so latest recipes! It is a win-win situation for all of us.

Last week was packed full of fun activities such as getting pedicures (Kate and I), a huge hike at Smith Rock on
Friday where Katie ran into a rattlesnake on the trail (oh joy), and
finally on Saturday before they left to go back home on Sunday, a trip
to Lake Billy Chinook where I’ve never been in all the time we’ve lived
here (6 years).

It was a blistering day and the thought of a dip in the lake
sounded like just the thing. We loaded up everyone, food for an army,
blankets, towels, etc. and the 3 dogs – and off we went. Katie and
Kevin have a puggle who is just over a year old – we have our 2
malamutes, Griffin who is just over 1 year, and our resident Queen of
the Mals, Denaya who is about 9 years old.

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Now that’s a water dog!! pics by Audrey Kirchner
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Molly the Wonder Dog and Kevin
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Swimming Molly the Wonder Dog
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Griffin and Denaya watching Molly
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Bob, Pat, Denaya and Griffin watching Molly
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Bob working with Griffin at swimming (after my ride)
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Griffin showing his great love of the water
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One giant leap for dog kind
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Bob coaxing
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Griffin balking
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Denaya and Pat – safe and sound
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Griffin thinking “I can DO this”
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Lake Billy Chinook – Central Oregon

Griffin and Molly have
become best friends since they first met last November. They both
eagerly greet each other with total abandon and joy – and they do not
stop running and playing from the time they get up in the morning and
re-greet each other until they drop into exhausted slumber at night.
Denaya basically plays her grand damme part and oversees their play but
never deigns to ‘engage’ – she after all is royalty and she must not
shatter her image or let down her regal screen to indulge in something
as frivolous and lowly as ‘common play’. She is a good old girl but she
is a very serious dog!

At any rate, we arrived at the lake and
find much to our horror, that there are dogs staked out everywhere in
the state park – snarling and snapping dogs. Also, about a million
people or so it seemed. All the public beach parts of the lake were
absolutely swarming with campers and day park users – and again,
millions of dogs.

Thinking this would not do, we decided to
pull off the side of the road as we had seen others do and MERELY
scramble down the hillside to a spot on the lake where we could frolic
on our own. This proved easier said than done!

The Last Swimming Adventure

As we all know, water and I go together about as well as water and fire; wherever I go, however, there is an adventure in store! Why would this day be any different I ask you? Once we come to that conclusion, the rest is just history!

We trudge down the steep embankment to the water’s edge – luckily Kevin had taken Griffin, the urban mushing wonder, and he had promptly skied down in his flip-flops (Kevin not Griffin). We all followed with the other 2 dogs and various bags and blankets, towels, sunscreen, dog bowls, etc. It looked like we were going away for a week to tell the truth but down we trudged.

Our boy Patrick as I have mentioned has a ‘bit’ of a sight problem – he is at his very best severely visually impaired, at most legally blind. He was very happy as he tripped and slid over rocks and boulders on the way down to the lake. He had not counted particularly on a swimming excursion this trip but as usual, he always cheerfully goes along with us!

Finally we get down to the bottom of the blasted hill and get everything set up – after realizing that I had first set us up on a nice hill of red ants! So we quickly revamped our spot and settled Bob and Pat under the trees with Denaya while I took Griffin out to see how he swam, Kevin took the incredible swimmer Molly out, and Katie sat on a rock and read and got tanned. (Somehow later I thought she was the one with the right idea here)

I ASSUMED Griffin would love the water! He loves the water at home! He has his own little wading pool and when he gets hot, he goes in it. He and Molly had in fact been playing in and out of it for 2 whole days so the fact that Griffin was afraid of swimming never even entered my blond head.

I was dressed this day in a white tank and shorts – along with my Teva sandles. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to don my bathing suit but I’d brought it along – the more the pity for that! Had I known, I’d have at least put that on first!

Molly immediately took off jumping into the lake and splashing about like an old pro – she weighs about 25 pounds and is faster than greased lightning. Griffin was watching her and howling after her because he wanted to play so I assumed that this was happy howling – as in ‘let’s get in there and swim’. So without a second thought, Kevin throwing the tennis ball out for Molly to retrieve, and her swimming after it, leash in hand, I led Griffin further and further away from the shore.

Now this particular part of the lake did not have a beach per se. It had about 3 inches if that of ‘land’ before the lake began and right under the water at the edge, there was nothing BUT rocks. Thank goodness they were not moss-covered rocks because it could have been even trickier. The rocks though were the ones indigenous to our area, those of pumice and volcanic rock – so in other words….quite sharp and craggy.

Well, I thought Griffin was going to love swimming. I thought he was going to LOVE being wet – with all that fur and his panting constantly! He seemed not to notice at first – probably because he was watching Molly. As we clambered over the uneven rocks though, he was tugging a bit on the leash and I imagine I should have seen the signs coming. However, as in most things, I persevered. I was hell bent on teaching my little guy to swim and cool off and by George, we were going to do it!

As we stepped off the last rock and he became ‘water borne’, I saw his massive paws strike out in a dog paddle. ‘Oh this is WONDERFUL’ I thought! ‘He is loving it – he is going to swim right out after Molly!’

Wrong oh blond one…..he was NOT thrilled. In fact, he was having a heart attack when he realized that there were no more rocks under his poor big paws! He went into panic mode and panic mode in a huge malamute is NOT a pretty sight.

Hmmmm…before I could utter a ‘whoa’, a ‘holy crap’, or something even more colorful, I was on the business end of a fleeing malamute! This has happened to me before sadly and I should have seen it coming. But alas, as usual, I did not. Griffin bolted for the shore and in so doing, of course he upset the applecart – the old lady holding onto his leash for dear life lest he get away and run up the embankment to the busy road. The next thing I knew, I was lurching forward, splashing into the water front on, and being pulled over the rocks by a freight train.

Was that ever fun! I vaguely remember my left big toe being caught on a rock and part of my toenail being ripped off (there goes that pedicure)…..then I realized that my entire right leg was throbbing like a son-of-a-gun and stinging like nettles; my wrist was also throbbing and I had scratches all over my right hand – and I was soaked to the skin….in my nice translucent white tee shirt to boot!

Lucky for me, Kevin heard me gasp or shriek or swear – I don’t know which to be honest – and reached out and very easily grabbed hold of the leash just as I cleared the last row of rocks and was about to get dragged up the embankment through the juniper and sand, probably into another couple of large boulders.

He turns to look at me and asks ‘Are you OKAY? That so did NOT look good’….of course in my typical Audrey fashion I answer as I always do…’Sure – I’m great – I do this kind of stuff all the time – no worries….so I lost half my toenail and I’ve got scrapes the entire length of my leg and my hand and wrist feel like they may be broken – what’s a few scrapes and scratches?’ Not to mention the wet tee shirt!!!

Bob and Pat of course are just sitting under the trees laughing away – thanks for the help, guys!!! They assured me that they were going to leap up and grab Griffin as he sped by with me in tow – should the need have arisen. They felt that I had it well in check of course so they did not see the reason to get up and get wet!

Hmmph – whatever! I spent the next half hour or so snapping pictures – after I tied Griffin to the tree where he sat and whined and cried over Molly out there swimming all by herself. TOO BAD for you, pal! I wasn’t going to try that little scenario twice!

Finally, Pat felt so bad for Griffin that he braved going out into the water with him. I insisted on going even though my son kept trying to dissuade me from ‘helping’ – what’s THAT about? Just because every time I get near him in the water, something happens, like the lake incident or the whale watching incident! I can’t believe he’s holding those things against me!

At any rate, he got Griffin about to the same spot that I did, and the moment that Griffin’s paws did not feel big craggy rock, he was forced to swim a stroke or two but then promptly panicked again and literally LAUNCHED his entire huge self at Patrick – as if to say ‘GET ME OUTTA HERE’.  Luckily, Pat is 6 feet tall and he could hold off ‘my dear little beast’ but to his not-so-much delight, he was now soaking wet as well!

Bob eventually got Griffin back out to walk along the shore but that was as far as he got him after that. As much as he wanted to go after Molly in the water, his fear of it somehow kept him back and I think if we plan on him having an Olympic swimming career, we will have to invest in a life jacket for him and teach him in a lake that has a smoother entry/beach area and gradually get him over the fear. Of course having the strength of Hercules might help as well if/when he decides to bolt – I may pass the baton to Bob!

Epilogue

I always say that in many ways, my ‘little’ Griffin is my Kodi coming back to see me – and my lake adventure reminded me of another day and another time with dear old Kodi.

We had taken both Kodi and Denaya with us to a hugely crowded leaf festival in Washington state and on this particular day, it was 95 degrees in the shade and then some.  Our dogs were absolutely melting. We left the leaf festival and walked out of town down to the river thinking to give the dogs a dip for a bit of refreshment. Denaya as usual pulled her regal ways and decided that ‘one dip was quite enough thank you and I’d like to exit to my throne now if you please.’

Kodi was never one for being without his ‘woman’. He worshipped Denaya and could not let her out of his sight without howling up a storm or going crazy. When he saw Bob turn with Denaya and start to exit the river, Kodi decided we were leaving as well. Too bad I wasn’t ready – too bad I had the leash wrapped around my fingers (to keep it from getting wet – brilliant).

I remember for a few minutes or seconds perhaps feeling that I was literally walking on water….I was running THAT fast to try and slow him down or catch up with him as he yanked me from the river and proceeded to not only run but LEAP through the river. I had heard the first snap on the first pull of the leash and knew that he had at least dislocated my ring finger but probably rebroken it (I had already broken it once urban mushing when the gangline snapped on the same finger).

I came out of the river running, grabbing my hand and trying to scream but nothing was coming out. By the time I had tried to get my rings off, it was too late and they would later have to be cut off at the emergency room! At any rate, my little body surfing episode with Griffin surely reminded me of my dear departed Kodi and all I can say is thanks a lot boys! Thanks for the ride!

I went to swim aerobics this week beaten to a pulp and everyone was asking what was wrong with my one toe and why half of my pretty nail polish was missing – and why the opposite leg was bruised and scraped from north to south….what can I say? You cannot keep a good woman down – and I make one heck of a floatation device!

Bob is totally right – I need to start going to the water with a helmet on at all times and perhaps body armor. Although it will be killer on the tan, it might just save my body parts!

Thought for the day: ‘If every word I said could make you laugh, I’d talk forever… ‘ Author unknown

We Were Here

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Cove Palisades State Park

Lake Billy Chinook From the Air

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If skiing was a sport in the Comedy Olympics, I would have all gold medals! I should have known it was not going to go my way from the day I tried it. In all fairness to myself, I have to say that I have the…

Anthropomorphic Animals Explaining Life

Once again I am touching on these different television series where anthropomorphic animals and creatures tackle the big questions of life in a humorous and gentle manner. It seems that the audio of Creature Comforts are taken from people in the general arena who have been interviewed with the animations being added later to suit the vastly different voices. This is I believe, fact not subtext.

In this series”Creature Comforts” these very cute anthropomorphic creatures ask
the big questions…. like “is there anyone out there? Or whether there is
alien life on this planet? It is amazing to listen to just the voices (without
watching the creatures), talking about the big ideas. A fine example of one big
question is the in-depth subject of the cat/dog conversation i.e. what is a
UFO? There are serious answers given as
well as pure nonsense answers. These answers range from such flights of fancy as to the potency of spiritual
energy radiators to the alien viewpoint
as they discuss how life on earth differs from their planet and the subsequent
do’s and don’ts of living and integrating on earth.

Then we have these critters/people debating who will become
the next US President; the debate over Iraq rages in the animal kingdom and
animals fall off cliffs, lie about in rat wheels and talk about how the world
will be a better place once the Presidential candidate has been selected and
elected.

The film about the zoo is very telling – many complaints and
envious looks at chap next door and how he/she fares better. The voices reflect
the countries the animals originate from with the attitudes and ideas being to
the forefront….to some extent some animals appear to be accepting of the
situation – institutionalised if you will.

The shark video is a bit off putting but the idea that a big
bite of fatty human flesh is not as good as the taste of either chicken or even
oatmeal is interesting…..

These short films are valuable; they give a tongue in cheek
look at the other side, quite the social commentary.

a.a.gallagher march
2011

COMEDY AND FUNNY STORIES ABOUT ADHD

Folks, I kid you not.  I know I’ve regaled you now with several of my Jonathan chronicles and living with a child with ADHD.  However, I have but begun to relate my many trying moments raising as I liked to call him “Mr. Electric.”

Every day was a ride with our sweet little Jon.  I have to say as kids go, he was never lacking for a smile….though a few times it was rather wicked. 

He was always good natured to a fault and still is.  However, raising him was definitely a ride and one I will not forget any time soon.  I have been in more embarrassing situations than I would care to admit and by the end of our journey together, I actually expected it to be the norm.

Come along with me on a trip on a sunny day to Chicago’s Frederick & Nelson’s where I mistakenly thought I had my child under control.

See all 2 photos
no, this isn’t my Jonathan but you get the drift…one goofy, happy guy!
Source: freedigitalpictures.net

HOW TO MAKE A SPECTACLE IN A DEPARTMENT STORE

When you have a child with ADHD you have to plan some of your outings.  It usually revolves around how much you think you can possibly deal with in one day and you try and pick your moments. 

Fortunately or unfortunately, which ever way you want to look at it, our second child, Patrick, was born legally blind.  Our little girl thank goodness was born “perfect” and the only thing I can say about that is obviously, I had more children than I had hands! 

This being said, actually you might be wondering then “What in the Sam hell was she doing going into a nice department store on her own with three children?”

I find the older I get, the more wisdom I have in these matters and when I look back on it all and how stupidly naive I was, I gotta say right along with you….”Are you freaking kidding me?”

See all 2 photos
Source: freedigitalphotos.net

MAKING A SPECTACLE IN A DEPARTMENT STORE

An unknown fact here….I am basically a very shy person. I may be outspoken and I may have the ability to make a comedic spectacle of myself, but down deep, I do not enjoy negative attention. EVER!

At 27 years old, I obviously had my little lady hands full. I worked full time from home but I also had to do all the other “things” that most moms have to do. I generally tried to schedule my outside activities though around times when I could at least have reinforcements in the person of one wonderful husband, my Bob.

It was torture trying to manage all three kids in the tin-can tuna car we had and going anywhere was rather like a trip to the moon if I had all three kids in tow. I never knew what was going to happen and most of this unfortunately came from the ADHD quarter. However, sometimes you just had to suck it up and go against the current.

On one such fine Chicago day, I absolutely had no way around going to pick up a present I needed at the last minute, and the only place where I could get said present was at the nearest Frederick & Nelson. So off I went boldly defying the odds with the three children along for the ride.

I could never take my eyes off Patrick and of course, my Kate was so small that I was still carrying her in my arms. Pat was very independent but he had learned in public that he needed to stick close to mom lest he wander off with the wrong person! After this happened a couple of times, he began to realize the importance of holding onto at least my pant leg if not my hand!

This entwining of small humans around my person of course left me no body part available for Jonathan. Before exiting the car, I made it clear in my sternest voice that there was indeed to be “no trouble pal or you’re going to be hearing about it and spending time in your room when we get home.” How much does a 5-year-old ADHD child hear? I might have asked myself that question before the incident.

We got into the store without any mishaps. So far so good. Unfortunately the floor I needed was up a flight so we had to go on the escalator. I wasn’t thrilled about this because I knew already what kind of things could go wrong on an escalator with Jonathan. He had not only attached himself to the outside of one while I was pregnant with Patrick, but he had also become very adept at finding buttons and pressing them at inopportune times – including turning the escalator off at JC Penneys on another trip – where I might add I had reinforcements!

Staying mentally alert at all times, my head spinning around much like an owl’s to watch his every movement, I was relieved to say the least when we stepped off the escalator and all seemed to be well. I ended up going to the department where I needed to pick up the sweater for my sister’s birthday and thinking to myself quite happily that things were going along swimmingly well, I suddenly was jerked back to reality….by an enormously loud crash.

As I gazed down to see if Jonathan was standing next to me, I already knew the answer. He was not!

ADHD CHAOS IN THE DEPARTMENT STORE

“Clean up on aisle 4” doesn’t even begin to cover what happened. As everyone on the floor stopped what they were doing and stood with their mouths gaping open like carps, I turned to look down the mezzanine to see what my son had gotten into this time.

There on the floor after tumbling down was a pile of mannequins all broken into pieces. There were heads rolling about, arms and legs tumbled together, and standing in the midst of all of them, there was my son Jonathan, looking very sheepish indeed.

The time that had passed? Roughly the snap of 2 fingers or so it felt. In that instant that I had lost track of him while paying for the sweater, he had darted down the mezzanine to the display of mannequins…..several men and women happily posing showing off their beautiful clothes.

As I sprinted towards my son who was the devil reincarnated at times such as these in my mind’s eye, he actually had the nerve to look worriedly up at me, smiling all the while. I head the words that had now begun to be a constant in our home….”I’m sorry, mom.” Followed by “I was just trying to look up under their skirts to see if they had underpants on!”

By all that is holy, I swear I could not have been more mortified. Some people were giggling, some people were still standing there with their mouths gaping open. I honestly did not know what to say.

I looked down to realize that I had somehow managed to drag Pat and Katie along with me to the scene of the crime and they were doing what they usually did….just standing there looking unbelievably at the mess created by their brother.

I started muttering to the sales person about how should I go about cleaning this up and was trying in vain to pick up some arms and legs and put them back together. I was on the verge of tears because I was embarrassed beyond belief to have allowed this to have happened.

Someone came over and touched my arm and whispered to me “Don’t worry about it, dear…I think you have quite enough on your hands at the moment.” With that, I turned on my heel and marched back to the counter to pay for my purchase and be gone!

EPILOGUE ON HOW TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION IN A DEPARTMENT STORE

I had a lot of friends back in those days that preferred that I not go with them if I brought my children.  I know…hard to believe eh? 

Seriously, I knew that I had my hands full and most times just preferred the steady hand of my Bob to help guide us through our daily escapades with my kids. 

I think I waited a year to go back to that particular Frederick & Nelson’s as I was quite sure that at least the sales people remembered me and my demonic son….what 5-year-old child looks up the mannequins’ dress to see if she has underwear on?

I maintain it could have happened to anyone but then on the other hand I constantly said and still say “Why me?”  I rather have surmised that it was because eventually I would be able to laugh it off and realize that it was just what it was…another funny day in the life and times of one Jonathan K. 

I wish I could say that he grew out of it, but unfortunately, there are many, many more chapters to go in the Jonathan Chronicles.  Hope you enjoyed this little trip to the mall with Audrey and her ADHD son!

Your Life Can Be Better, Using strategies for adult ADD/ADHD
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Parenting Children with ADHD: 10 Lessons That Medicine Cannot Teach (APA Lifetools)
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The ADHD Workbook for Kids: Helping Children Gain Self-Confidence, Social Skills, and Self-Control (Instant Help)
Amazon Price: $10.13
List Price: $16.95
Parenting Children with ADHD: 10 Lessons That Medicine Cannot Teach (APA Lifetools)
Amazon Price: $14.95
Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder
Amazon Price: $7.98
List Price: $15.95
The Survival Guide for Kids with ADD or ADHD
Amazon Price: $7.84
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Raising Boys With ADHD: Secrets for Parenting Healthy, Happy Sons
Amazon Price: $9.88
List Price: $16.95
Taking Charge of ADHD, Third Edition: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents
Amazon Price: $13.28
List Price: $19.95

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FUNNY STORIES ABOUT KIDS WITH ADHD

If you want to hear a bunch of unbelievable stories about kids with ADHD, give me a few hours of your time. I have only begun to write!

Having a child with ADHD is truly one of the most labor intensive things I have ever done in my life and with my life.

That said, having a child with ADHD has provided me with hours if not years of entertainment. I still recount the Jonathan stories with a gleam in my eye and a laugh in my heart so it could not have been all bad, eh?

Come along with me on yet another day when ADHD got the better of both of us but thankfully shot us both out on the other side safe and sound!

See all 2 photos
Source: freedigitalphotos.net

COPING WITH CHILDREN WITH ADHD

If you’ve followed along with my two other stories about Jon when I was pregnant with our second child, you’ll know that I kid you not….raising our son was truly a labor of love…literally.

I was very much in love with our little Jonathan at 2 years old. But I can guarantee you, I spent most of his first 2 years exhausted. To say that there was never a dull moment was putting it mildly.

This story picks up in Jonathan’s busy second year. By this time in my pregnancy with Patrick, I had already rescued Jon from the teeth of the neighbor’s German shepherd when he had climbed the fence and escaped.

I had also rescued him at the airport when he got his head pinned under a Hertz rent-a-car sign…although truthfully my baser instincts almost got the better of me that day and I was tempted to leave him there….at least for a while.

Sigh….I changed my mind and freed him that day, vowing to never, ever let anything that insane happen to him (and me) again!

FUNNY STORY ABOUT AN ESCALATOR

Enter the escalator. It was an impossibly hot and sticky August day in the armpit of Michigan as I used to call it…the lovely place known as Detroit. I’m a California girl and the fact that I loved my husband so much I followed him to this godforsaken place should speak volumes! I only kid…it was a great place to live if you don’t mind tornadoes, temperatures below zero, blizzards, and humidity that equals the temperature! I learned a lot living there to be honest but I certainly don’t miss it.

At this point in our life, we lived in a small little cracker box house on the outskirts of Detroit. The house was spic and span and perfect for the 3 of us with Pat on the way but in those delightful days back in the late 1970s, we had no air conditioning. No matter what I did, there was no way to “fix” 97 degree temperatures with 99% humidity.

To make matters worse, I was long overdue to deliver Pat. I was 2-1/2 weeks overdue by this point in my life and was beginning to think I was going to be pregnant for the rest of my natural life. I was so big I had long since given up seeing my feet and to say that the heat and the humidity were not helping would be putting it mildly. I waddled through life as if I’d swallowed an Orca whale somehow and it was beginning to weigh me down a little….literally.

All that said, I decided on one exhausting afternoon to give up all my household chores and just go somewhere nice and cool. I had no trouble talking Jon into going anywhere so off we drove to the nearest mall….even though I wasn’t supposed to be driving my rotund self anywhere! Once there, I began to feel better already and set about engaging Jon in playing in the kid areas while I sat in the blissful cool and tried to bring my body temperature down about 20 degrees.

I was always very strict about not letting Jon have sugars of any kind because we inevitably saw a spike in his hyperactivity but there were a few ices and things that we’d discovered that he could actually eat without reacting….much. Kids have to have some pleasures in life and let’s face it….so do their adult counterparts. With that in mind, we set off hand in hand to the Baskin Robbins for a little indulgence.

ANOTHER ADHD MOMENT HITS

As I sat on the bench and thoroughly enjoyed my little bite of heaven in the sugar-free ice cream, I was beginning to think that life wasn’t so bad. So I was pregnant and had been for 9-1/2 months or so it seemed. I figured that maybe I’d just keep being pregnant and sooner or later, something would explode and literally deliver me from this state of rotundness.

As I sat musing about these things and wondering how much more my stomach could possibly stretch or how much fatter my poor feet could possibly get…..a kind little old lady who was sitting beside me on the bench tapped my arm and said politely…..”Dear….isn’t that your little boy over there?”

By all that is holy, I don’t know how I took my eyes off him for those few seconds. He was sitting beside me one minute and the next he was…..well….unfortunately holding onto the OUTSIDE of the escalator and going up. At least I have to say he had the common sense to hold on with both hands!!

For a pregnant cow, I have to say I moved pretty fast. I spiked my ice cream down (damn that was good too) and tore across the pavilion – I probably looked more like an elephant on a rampage. I was screaming out “noooooooo” as I ran and I definitely got a lot of attention!

Thankfully, the escalator wasn’t that far away and Jon seemed to be going up the side in slow motion or maybe he was readjusting his hands to keep in one place. I have no clue but he was hanging there off the side where at least I could ALMOST touch him…..but not quite.

So I did what every other respectable mother of an ADHD child would do…I swore and then jumped up onto the wall surrounding the waterfall that just happened to be below the blasted escalator and started jumping. Not little jumps – these were huge big bounces….as much as a pregnant whale can bounce. I was bouncing up and down as high as I could and finally snagged his ankle.

Of all the bloody nerve, the little twerp didn’t want to let go of the escalator! I imagine now in retrospect that he was scared….on thinking about it….no way! Someone was trying to loosen his hands up on the escalator and finally he let go. Was I ready for the sudden loose child that was plummeting my way? Heck no!

I caught him very handily but in so doing, I lost my balance and tumbled over backwards….thankfully NOT into the water in the fountain but instead onto the pavilion floor on my butt…..where I promptly burst into tears.

I still remember Jon looking up at me and saying the words I began to hear in my sleep and still do to this day….”I’m sorry, mom”. By this time, of course, I was in the middle of a bloody spectacle as everyone came running to see if we were both okay.

“Oh honey….you shouldn’t be jumping around like that when you’re pregnant” some well-meaning lady said by my ear.

“No kidding? I do this kind of thing all the time – who knew?”

“You should have let someone grab him for you, dear…there’s no telling if you’ve hurt the baby now bouncing all over the place and falling on the floor like a walrus.” (Couldn’t have put that better myself, lady)

I am here to tell you this…..bouncing up and down does NOT induce labor. It doesn’t even come close. Or perhaps Patrick was so scared at what he perceived as “chaos central” that he decided to stay in there another week because yep, folks….a week later I finally delivered my bouncing baby boy!  No thanks to gymnastics at the mall!

As I limped back to the car, I decided that maybe it was just safer to stay in the confines of my little house where I knew the logistics and I could get safely from one part of the house to the other (almost) without killing myself or ending up being a spectacle in the mall. For the rest of my pregnancy, I decided to stay home where at least I had locks on doors and other “safety nets”.

See all 2 photos
ADHD – oh what a feeling!
Source: freedigitalphotos.net

EPILOGUE ON RAISING KIDS WITH ADHD

For all of you out there with ADHD kids….I hear your pain and I send you my love and virtual hugs.

Take heart because it doesn’t last forever….it just feels like it does some days.

For all the tears that I cried and all the days that I thought I could never make it until Jon reached adulthood, I would go back in a heartbeat and do it all over again.

It was the ride of a lifetime and looking back on it all, it did help shape me into who I am today. It also gave me an incredibly honed sense of humor! Who couldn’t have one after all these things?

It also taught me a lot about life and to never quit trying. These kids are a learning experience and if you embrace that idea, it makes it a little easier….that and a shot of hard liquor! (Only kidding about the drink)

It does eventually all work out if you can embrace the eternal idea of taking every day like it’s the first day….any other philosophy might put you into a state of depression.

Take heart and plod steadily forward….it also helps to talk about it so if you feel the need, please leave your comments below!

Your Life Can Be Better, Using strategies for adult ADD/ADHD
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Parenting Children with ADHD: 10 Lessons That Medicine Cannot Teach (APA Lifetools)
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The ADHD Workbook for Kids: Helping Children Gain Self-Confidence, Social Skills, and Self-Control (Instant Help)
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Parenting Children with ADHD: 10 Lessons That Medicine Cannot Teach (APA Lifetools)
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Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder
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The Survival Guide for Kids with ADD or ADHD
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Raising Boys With ADHD: Secrets for Parenting Healthy, Happy Sons
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Taking Charge of ADHD, Third Edition: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents
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More Funny Stories by Audrey Kirchner

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ANOTHER FUNNY STORY ABOUT MY SON WITH ADHD Having a child with ADHD is a challenge. It is also one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever experienced in my life. Why? Because it made me laugh I…

Trader Joe’s

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I hate Trader Joe’s because that is
in no way the case. I’m quite dependent on them actually. And it isn’t
that I hate friendliness, because it has it’s place. But I’m just not
sure what sort of Walt-Disney-themed corporate training that the
cashiers are put through to become so obnoxiously involved with their
customers at check-out. I’m all for a smile or two, but these people
just take it way too far. It always drove me bananas that I had to
allow extra time for friendliness when I’d try to stop by there on my
way to work. I want to run into the store, hear all the beeping noises,
run my card, and then run to whatever else I’m about to do next. At no
point do I want to discuss grass-fed beef, or free-range chicken in the
checkout line. If they had comment cards, I’d ask them to work on being
more impersonal. I’d submit a request that went something like, “please
ignore me a little when I come to your store. I like that. I’m from the
East Coast and it’s faster.” I liked going to 7-11, not for anything I
ever bought there, but simply for the fact that I could get out of
there so quickly. Typically, the cashier at 7-11 barely spoke English,
didn’t care if I lived or died, and kept things moving with quick and
unpleasant service. Perfection!
The Trader Joe’s across the street from me though, has hired a new guy
with whom I am in love. When I was a teenager, I waited tables at a
restaurant named Bob Evans. They were participating in some sort of
inclusion workforce program in which they bussed prisoners, (I’m
assuming the good ones), in to work shifts with us. I think there were
some tax breaks involved, but I’m not sure. I believe the new cashier
at Trader’s, whom I’ve named Anti-Joe in my head, is from that bus. His
pink skin is full of ink, he’s built like a prisoner, and he hates
customers. I love this guy! I look for this guy, and I seek to be in
his line. He’s fast. He never asks if I’d found my purchases to be
tasty in the past, I’ve never seen him smile, he’s never asked a soul
if they’d found everything they were looking for, and he couldn’t care
less whether or not I recycle. I’m waiting for the day that he has the
meltdown that costs every one of us our lives, but until then it is
HAPPY SHOPPING!!

Would I lie to You? (Part 1)

At present, I scream at vaginas for a living, but prior to this little calling, I had many, many jobs. At one point, I sold cars, and by sold cars I mean I sold one–to my mom. I had the counter-productive habit of talking people out of purchases, sighting their budget, and being reasonable with their money. The guys who owned the car lot overlooked this bad habit, because they figured it was nice to just have someone they could trust to lock the door at night. I took the job because my father often bellowed arrogantly that I should NEVER trust anyone who sold cars. That fatherly advice was right up there with love God, and study hard, and drive safely. He hated used car salesman. So, naturally, I became one.
I made it clear on the interview, that my hours were limited, that I was a terrible liar, and that I really wasn’t the best driver. When that interview ended with ‘you’re hired!’ I thought it might be a casting call for some sort of reality tv show. They handed me W2’s and I-9’s, while I looked for secret microphones. The lot was small, the door barely locked, and we were in the middle of Nowheresville, Maryland. I concluded that this place was definitely a decoy for drug trafficing, or racketeering, but I shrugged at this and did my schoolwork.
Robert, the red-haired mechanic from West Pennsylvania, and if you know anything about West Pennsylvania, you know he owned a pick-up truck, would ask me out every single day. He would spit super sexy, super alluring, lines like “I’m not racist” when he’d ask me out on a date. Continuing with my schoolwork was all I could do to contain my fever for this particular smooth-talker. I wondered many, many times that maybe if I tried thanking him kindly for not lynching minorities, but mentioned that I myself was in the process of becoming a racist, once I finished all the paperwork, perhaps that would help quell the situation somewhat.
He fixed my car one day, and was able to guilt me into a “cocktail,” at a restaurant down the street from where we worked. I reminded him that I was too young to drink, and also too young to use words like “cocktail,” and that this was not a date. It was, rather, an employee field trip, and we were going dutch. Robert was 35, I was 20.
I played with my phone, and ate french fries, while he droned on about being a redneck, and how he didn’t see color when he looked at me. I happened to see many colors when I looked at him, but the ones I wanted to see most were the beautiful reds and blues of flashing police cars lights. Where the heck is Spiderman when you truly need him? He also profusely complimented my eyebrows. I prayed for a quick and quiet death.
At the end our field trip, he attempted to give me a non-racist kiss. I realized it was time to put my foot down. I, after all, had indeed appreciated the oil change or whatever, and I’m always trying to support people who think they might believe in civil rights, but there really is only so much I’m going to do for the cause. I made it clear that other than a handshake, and maybe a creepy photo of my eyebrows, there just wasn’t much more in the future for us.

ROLLERBLADING WITH MALAMUTES

What is it about human nature that makes us do certain things without really thinking it through? Is it a genetic thing or a male or female thing?

I like to think that it happens to everyone at some point in their life but then again, I’m quite familiar with what I call “Audrey moments.” These are moments I’ve experienced throughout my life where in the midst of something I’ve decided to do, I actually get a lightning bolt realization that maybe this wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

I have literally heard the words “I’m so totally screwed” in my head. I’ve gone so far as to say them out loud just to make sure I heard them but guess what – that didn’t deter me from going on to the next Audrey moment.

Here’s a classic Audrey moment I won’t be forgetting any time soon!

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Podcast Link on PodBean

You can listen to my ad lib audio standup routine on my experience rollerblading with malamutes by connecting here to Podbean.com for the podcast~

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This is how it could have gone! Way to behave, Caspian!
Source: Flickr

Anyone who knows me knows that I love dogs. I can’t help it. I rescue dogs, I think about their well being and I try to do whatever I can to make their life visit with me a good one. I’ve had a lot of dogs over the years as I seem to be a magnet for the throwaways but one dog will always live in my heart as one of my favorites….my Kodi boy.

Kodi was part malamute and because of him, I started on my journey with malamutes. I raised him from 6 weeks old and he was a handful. He was more than active. He was pure mischief but in his defense, he had 2 old dogs he was trying desperately to engage with who wouldn’t give him the time of day. Thinking about it and feeling that there must be some solution to his boredom, I got another malamute when one of my older dogs passed on. This malamute happened to be a rescued and abused malamute. At the recommendation of the gal who came to interview me and check out the new surroundings, the idea of running malamutes to keep them happy and healthy was born.

So…now I have 2 malamutes and I know relatively little about training much less actually running malamutes. After some more advice from my now mentor, Carmen, I do some research taking her advice and find that it’s not all that hard to run malamutes. All you need is a scooter, something called a towline, and a couple of dog harnesses. What could be simpler? People are doing it all over – it’s called urban mushing!

I talked my husband Bob into going with me to a pulling “clinic” and of course, as I knew they would, my 2 dogs took to it like ducks to water. They pulled a tire across the field several times just to prove their expertise and there was no doubt in my mind that this was just the thing for my dogs.

Without a hesitation, I went home, did some more research, called up and ordered a mountain bike/kick scooter. It was the Diggler scooter, advertised appropriately as a dog scooter. I measured them for harnesses, got the towline and the harnesses from a local outfitter, and all I had to do was sit back and wait for the scooter to arrive.

Anyone who knows me will attest to this fact also – I am NOT a patient person. I just can’t do it! As hard as I try to see the bigger picture, in my zeal to get on with things, I get more than a little impatient. Days went by which turned into a week or so and still no scooter. “How long does it take to make a scooter?” I asked Bob every day? What are they doing…knitting the bloody thing?”

He in his patient way would just shake his head and go about his business. “Patience is a virtue, Audrey – you’d do well to remember that once in a while” – falling on deaf ears as I stomped from the room.

Well, after about 2 weeks of waiting patiently (hmmpf) for the scooter to arrive, I’d just about lost what little patience I had. I was anxious to get started – NOW! I had the dogs trained after all!! I knew that they could do it – I had the equipment – all except the stupid scooter! What was I supposed to do in the meantime – just sit around hoping for the scooter to arrive? What if it never came?!

As I ruminated on these things and became progressively more agitated in having to wait to get out and about with the dogs, I came up with a brilliant idea – actually several brilliant ideas! I didn’t need to wait for any stupid scooter to arrive. I had the pieces I needed after all; I had the dogs, I had the harnesses, I had the towline…..all I needed to do was start running them. But with what? On what?

Ah ha! The light bulb went on as I remembered that my daughter had left her roller blades in our attic. She had wanted to store some stuff with us and that just happened to be one of the items! How fantastic! The fact that we had feet that were exactly the same size – even more perfect! See….it was meant to be! Now how to go about it.

I thought about it long and hard – probably about 10 minutes. I decided I didn’t want to spoil this with any lectures or admonitions not to do this so I conveniently decided to eliminate the part about telling Bob – or anyone for that matter – what I intended to do. What did I need them raining on my parade for? I was an adult – well into my 40’s I might add here. I could make up my own mind and do what I wanted to do, right? NO ONE was going to tell me this was a hair-brained scheme and no matter anyhow – I was doing it! I needed to get on with the business of training these dogs and I needed to get it going now!

I waited until Bob had gone to run some errands – what a coincidence~! I assembled all the parts that I would need – the roller blades, the towline, the harnesses and took them all out, meticulously laying them on the driveway to begin the training. At the very last minute, I decided that just maybe there was a small flaw in my plan – should I be harnessing up 2 dogs that weighed almost 200 pounds? Somehow that little realization permeated my excitement-crazed mind and I decided at the very last second that no, indeed, I’d better just train 1 dog at a time and then see how that went. So of course, I picked Kodi because he was bigger and stronger – definitely thought this one through!

Kodi seemed absolutely thrilled to be doing this – he was so excited I could barely contain him, even though he didn’t have a clue what we were doing…somehow I think that might have been true of the other participant as well.

What to tie the tugline on though…..I had decided that I’d use a belt around my waist and attach the tugline to that. That should do the trick! However, of course there was no quick release mechanism, just basically tying me to the towline via a nice huge knot like an umbilical cord~! Brilliant!

I slipped the harness on Kodi, attached him to the other end of the towline, and then sat down to put on the roller blades. Hmmmmm – one very important fact I should mention here is this. I have never put on roller blades in my life. In fact, I knew very little about roller blades. As I sat on the driveway slipping my foot into them though I thought to myself “How hard can it be? I’ve roller skated and ice skated – what kind of moron couldn’t roller blade?”

Wow – they seemed a bit stiff – “What’s up with that – your ankle definitely isn’t going to be moving too much inside one of those puppies,” I thought to myself. “Not much give in these but I guess it’ll all become clear to me once I get up and get going.”

Whew – after wrestling around with those and finally getting them cinched up and ready to go, I stood up. Kodi is in front of me, looking still quite excited by all this for sure – although I could swear now on thinking back on it, he did have a frown on his face. Perhaps he was giving me a mental challenge like “Are you SURE about this?”

Hmpfff – I’m not going to be told what to do by anyone – much less a DOG~! “Of course I know what I’m doing,” I told myself. I’m athletic – I’m coordinated – I’m good at this kind of rugged stuff!

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Then I uttered the words I’ll never forget – “Let’s go, Kodi”. Well – dumber words were never spoken. He took off like the hounds of hell were chasing him. I knew I was in trouble when the towline snapped tight between us and I took off like a rolling shot. Who said that roller blades were easy to use? Was that ME back there crowing about how athletic I am?

Ohhh-Myyy-Gawd – We took off down the street and hadn’t even been gone 2 seconds and he was hitting overdrive. He was digging into the pavement like we were running on snow and coming across the finish line at the Iditarod.

I quickly assessed the situation and told myself to remain calm – CALM? Are you CRAZY? I’m flying past houses and cars at the speed of light. How can I stay calm? “Okay – get control of the situation, you idiot” I told myself. “He knows commands and he was an excellent puller. Just tell him to slow down or to stop” – oh yeah – commands……

“Whoa, Kodi, whoa, Kodi – STOPPPP Kodi, slow down, Kodi……..”

“KOOOOOODDDDDIIIII” I screamed with all I was worth. He must have been deafened by the wind tunnel that was caused by the speed he was running at – he was NOT listening. In fact, he was going faster…..”Oh holy mother of GOD what have I done?”

Houses are flying by at an alarming rate – I’m afraid to look to either side for fear of losing my balance. I’m lucky I’m still upright as with that first lurch out of the chute, I thought I was going down on all 4’s or prone on the pavement. I feel like I’m water skiing behind a powerful motorboat – only this guy’s just in 1stgear. I can tell that he’s ratcheting it up a notch and all my screaming isn’t doing a darned bit of good.

I start to flail my arms, I guess hoping for some wind resistance…..not working!!! On he plows as if he is pulling a freight truck….I didn’t think I was that heavy~! He’s really digging now, trying to prove to me I suppose that this is “his thing” and that he can do it well. I look up and much to my further dismay, I see the very busy road up ahead. I have a little bit of time (IF I stay upright that is) before we reach it and I simply HAVE to get this ship under control.

“Think – THINK, you idiot” I chastise myself as I continue barreling down the road. What do you do on roller blades to stop yourself? I knew I’d heard it somewhere and it was just at the fringes of my memory…..”Oh YEAH – now I remember – you put your heel down and you stop that way”…..okay – no time like the present.

Kodi kicks it up to second gear about now and I confidently think to myself “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, pal – wait until I slam on these brakes”…..I put my heel down and wait for us to grind to an abrupt halt. “What the hell’s wrong here?” I squeak out as my heel hits the pavement and proceeds to start smoking? Nothing’s happening!!!!! I’m not stopping – I’m just burning up the heel of the damned roller blade.

“Okay – maybe I got it wrong – maybe you put your TOE down”……zzzzzzzziiiiiitttttt.

More smoke – ah crap – that’s not it either~~~~ I’m still going at the same speed and now probably have no toe or heel left on the blasted roller blades. I’m still going and I’m still trying to apply the brakes. What kind of freaking brakes are these? What are they supposed to stop? Nothing? Or something big like AIR?

I seriously considered putting both toes down or both heels but upon further consideration of that little scenario decided I must have air for brains.

In the next few moments, my life literally flashed before my eyes. I had visions of him running out into the cross street which was heavy with traffic at this time of day and me being pulled into the side of a car, or better yet thrown up on top of one, and then pulled over the other side and road rashed all the way to the next street.

Still applying the brakes and screaming bloody murder at my exuberant dog, I’m convinced I’m going to be dead in just a few moments. “Why oh why didn’t I think this through more carefully,” I was crying to myself! What makes me so mindless of the consequences?

What to do, what to do….tick tock, tick tock. By now I’ve vowed that the dog will be mercilessly trained within an inch of his life if I EVER decide to get on a scooter with him but the most urgent prospect right now was getting him to stop. There was just no way – he was going to run until he ran out of gas – probably NEVER! Even at a limp, I’d be dead because I couldn’t possibly survive crossing that street and I certainly wasn’t getting him to do a U-turn!

It came to me in a flash – I remembered the old Laugh In shows and Arte Johnson riding his bike and suddenly, it became clear to me that this was the only lifesaving measure left to me in this predicament. Come hell or high water, I’d just have to literally throw myself down and suffer the consequences. Better that than be towed out into traffic where there was no hope for either of us.

So as I saw the busy road approaching maybe a half block away, I gathered up my strength and tried to make myself into Arte Johnson. I literally was up one minute and the next throwing myself sideways onto the pavement. There couldn’t have even been any grass – it had to be gravel and pavement. For one brief second, I thought I was going to be towed along right behind him on the pavement but thank GOD he stopped on a dime. The jolt must have made him realize that things weren’t going like they should and he stood looking down at me with a chagrined look on his poor face.

I laid there for a minute, trying to assess the damage – some gravel in my leg and a little bit sore….but not too bad. Lucky for me, when I hit, I stopped the bloody boy from dragging me any further – but now there I lay on my side in the dirt, hoarse from screaming, with the damned roller blades still on my feet. How was I supposed to get up for Pete’s sake?

While I lay there, mortified and seething at my own stupidity, I heard car doors slam and excited voices….people running towards us – “Oh my GOD – are you okay? That was a nasty fall you took there, lady.” Oh perfect – just what I need – witnesses to my insanity.

Kodi was all too eager to have the attention so of course he stood innocently by with a look that said “I don’t know what she’s doing down there – I didn’t do it” while they fawned over him. “What a pretty fellow you are” – (yeah wait ’til we get home, pal – we’ll see how pretty you look then!)

Again, “Miss – are you okay?” Well…. the last time someone called me miss – I don’t even remember when.

“Sure,” I managed from the pavement. “No worries – just training the dog……I do this all the time.”

“Training the dog?” incredulously came from several of the onlookers. “Of course….what does it look like I’m doing”? (other than trying to commit suicide on roller blades)

Well, they helped me up and asked if I needed a ride home. But I decided no, I needed the time to collect my thoughts (and body parts) so waved them on – after I had taken off the roller blades and thrown them as far as I possibly could!

I untied the towline from my belt – just in case Kodi decided he’d like to teach me some more tricks – and painfully limped home in my bare feet.

Could I possibly catch a break? No way – just as I limped up the driveway, Bob turned in and sat watching me as I approached. “You have GOT to be kidding me!” (This is incidentally a phrase that has been aimed at me more than once – I’m pretty used to it.

“Tell me you did NOT take that dog out alone and do something stupid.”

“Okay – I didn’t take the dog out alone and do something stupid.” I kept walking.

“Why are you barefoot and holding the towline and a belt?”

“Just a little running training, Bob – nothing major,” I answered as I limped into the garage and literally threw all the equipment on the floor. Grabbing Kodi by the collar, I quickly divested him of his harness and shoved him none too kindly into the backyard.

Patiently I asked “Can I borrow the car for a minute?” –

He seemed a little puzzled but said “Okay – sure – mind if I go with you?”

I decided to just let him drive and directed him down the street where I’d thrown my daughter’s roller blades. I thought about asking him to run over them a few times – it really would be fun – but on second thought, I couldn’t do it so I painfully got out of the car and stooped to pick up the evil boots.

Tramping back to the car, throwing the roller blades into the car more forcefully than necessary, Bob is shaking his head. “Okay he says – out with it – this is gonna be hilarious~!”

And so ends the tale of how I came to train my malamutes to pull a scooter….Lesson 1 did not go as well as expected and I have never – I repeat NEVER – put on a pair of roller blades since. In fact, if I see them in a store or anyone is out and about with them on skating, I shudder.

Did I learn from this little escapade and learn to train my dogs safely and smartly? You’ll have to be the judge. Another day, another story. It’s hard to keep an impulsive woman down.

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YouTube Audio Recording Rollerblading with Malamutes

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