Comedy And Funny Stories: My Funny Story About Wildlife And An ADHD Child

Comedy And Funny Stories: My Funny Story About Wildlife And An ADHD Child


Family vacations can be an adventure.
When you have a child who has ADHD, a child who is legally blind and a
third child to boot, it definitely can get interesting.

One year, we decided to go to one of our favorite places and rent a cabin
on the west side of San Juan Island where we could enjoy the scenery and watch
for our beloved Orca whales.

Any time the Kirchner family came to town, it was an adventure to say the
least. By the first night that we had
arrived, Jonathan, who is my ADHD son, had already discovered a mother otter and her
“litter” and created panic. He
had trapped her in a tiny cave and was innocently going towards her when Bob
discovered what he had done and luckily saved him. Jon was only about 10 at the time but had no
fear of anything….and he adored animals of any kind.

Hence began Bob’s litany of animal behavior and what not to do. For someone who survived 2 tours in Vietnam
unscathed, Bob has a rather healthy attitude towards nature and situations in general where you
can unwittingly get yourself into trouble.
In an effort to try and impart to Jon some of his wisdom in this arena
though, he might have gone a bit “overboard”.

He began to warn all the kids against what we laughingly began to call
“waging wildlife.” In an
effort to scare his fearless eldest son, he began to give him admonitions such
as “You need to watch out for deer…..if you make them mad, they can
slash you to death with their hooves.”

“What are you doing flapping your arms like that outside the car? Didn’t you see those eagles up in the
trees? If you make them upset, they can
swoop down and carry your sister right off!”

Last but not least…”You do not want to corner a rabbit….They have big teeth for a reason and if you make them mad, all they have to do is run at you and start biting.”

public domain photo
Source: Wikipedia


To say that our kids didn’t believe him was putting it mildly. As the week went on, he became more and more
full of advice…..there could be mountain lions, there could be all kinds of
animals lurking in the bushes to tear them to shreds and they (meaning really
Jon because our other two kids actually had some common sense about these
things) needed to have a care about their safety.

Even our youngest, Katie began referring to the little bunnies that we saw as “waging wabbits”….evoking a laugh from all of us….except Bob. He was still convinced that we as a family
were not taking wildlife seriously and that in an area full of same, it was
only a matter of time before something attacked us…or more specifically Jon.

So on this background, after we all listened to days of “Jon, get
off there….Jon, get back from the edge…..Jon, cut that out” we had
hiked down the long road to the west side of the island to attempt to fish. Let me interject here that Kirchners do not fish well…it is another comedy relief moment. We had lost at least 2 poles and a heck of a lot of bait.

We ended up sitting on the rocks waiting to see
the Orcas which also did not appear that particular day.
Figuring it was about time to head up to the cabin and start dinner,
since it was getting late in the day, I called the troops together and we
started up.

Jon as usual ran ahead. He had
gotten to the age where hard as we tried, we rarely could keep up with him so
gave it up to “I’ll catch up with him eventually”… more ways
than one. Bob was bringing up the rear
with Katie and Pat. As I neared the top
of the steep grade, panting a bit from the climb, I heard rustling in the
brush….and then the unmistakable sound of a mountain lion….(because of
course I’ve heard mountain lions up close and personal).

In my defense, it really sounded like a mountain lion….second of all the
rustling did nothing to help me believe otherwise especially since I could hear the throaty growl in the bushes….and thirdly, let’s just blame
Bob for all his waging wildlife admonitions because it all came crashing down
on my head.

And here’s what is playing in my head at the speed of light:

“Oh my GAWD….I can’t believe it….we made fun of him and he was
right the entire time. There ARE mountain lions on this island and I’ve just
had the good fortune to run into one…..Oh my GAWD.”

While all this was running through my head, I have to admit that I was
panic attacking big time. I’d never had
a panic attack per se until this time but I began sucking in air faster than I
could blink my eyes. I was sucking in huge gulps of air……”huff,
huff, huff” in increasingly shorter bursts….and I just kept sucking air in. I can’t say that I fainted because I was
totally alert and conscious the entire time.

However, probably due to a lack of
oxygen, I began grabbing at my chest convulsively, meanwhile still sucking more and more air in…..and before I knew it, I’d fallen backwards and slammed my
head down on a rock! I think I just inhaled too much air!

I was still clutching my chest as my sternum rose and fell like a bellows
and thinking I was definitely going to die any second when who should fly
out of the bushes than NOT the mountain lion I had envisioned but my fearless
ADHD child, Jonathan. He leapt through the air with all the grace of a mountain
cat but I believe it was driven by fear.

He threw himself down atop my
shaking body and just kept repeating over and over….”Oh my, oh
my….mommy, I’m so sorry.”

Relief is one thing…..realization is quite another. As much as I would have loved to have gotten
up at this very moment and paddled his sorry rear end for scaring literally
the living daylights out of me, I was completely incapacitated.

However, the second part of our
“team” was just cresting the hill and of course Bob finds me sprawled
on my back with Jon atop me now sobbing. Bob sprints the rest of the way to
where I’m lying there useless and asks me if I’m okay while lifting Jon by the
scruff of his neck and saying “What have you done to your
mother?” Okay….how did he know
this was Jon?

Of course, now that this is a totally frightening situation where my other
two children think I’ve been struck down by god knows what (although I have a
feeling they too had a sneaking suspicion it had to be their brother)…..they
both throw themselves on top of me while Bob is politely and discretely taking
Jonathan aside to ask the burning question….”What the heck just

In Jon’s defense, it was supposed to
be funny. It was supposed to be just Jon being Jon so I pushed myself
up with the most god awful headache I’ve had before or since….”Really,
I’m fine….I just got a little carried away when I heard the

Oops – bad thing to bring up again as Bob is turning on
Jonathan ….”What sound? What in the heck is she talking about?”

After grilling Jon to within an inch of his life, I finally convinced Bob that the damage (literally) was done. I suggested we just go our merry way and consider this a lesson well learned. You should never jump out of the bushes pretending to be a mountain lion!

They helped me up and away we went to the cabin….where somehow I managed
to make dinner and then get an ice bag on my aching head. Jonathan could not have been more attentive
as he brought me water, more ice, etc.

have a feeling that this little incident kinda scared him but then again…..he still went on
to do more crazy things.

I admit in my own personal experience from this little episode though….I am not keen on passing by bushes or anything that could possibly hide a mountain lion. I can still hear Jon’s interpretation of the mountain lion getting ready to pounce!

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