Funny Story About How To Make Christmas Lawn Ornaments
If anyone asked my husband Bob to describe me in a few words, among my many accolades, I’ll bet the word stubborn would pop up in the top 10 (though he might disguise it by using a clever word like determined……Audrey speak for possessed).
not that I mean to be stubborn. It’s rather that I have this thing about wanting to do everything and if I get something in my head that I want to do and think I can do it, come hell or high
water, I’m going to do it.
See all 2 photos
I am also blessed with this wonderfully loving husband who has
watched me mostly succeed but occasionally fail at things. It’s a mixed
bag. Sometimes he thinks I might fail and I don’t….but then
sometimes he thinks my brainiac idea is full of hot air but he still
lets me decide that on my own. And he usually reaps the benefits of a
very good laugh at my expense.
He is the kind of man who
might shake his head at my ideas but lets me go about trying things
anyway. No matter if I don’t know how to do it
exactly, he knows that I definitely am going to give it the 100% if not
I have to believe that this all started with a Martha Stewart moment. It was in the very early 1980s. I’m not
even sure if she was famous or on TV by this time but this whole crazy project smacks of her when I think back on it!
All I remember is that in one of my rare moments
of ‘inactivity’ between working full time at the local hospital until 11:00
p.m. and raising our 3 kids, being involved in every activity known to man,
woman and child, making everything from scratch, and managing 4 dogs (you are
getting the picture, eh – lunatic)…I liked to dabble in crafts.
I claimed that working on crafts relaxed me. However, sometimes in the aftermath of my
‘relaxation’ I had to wonder. Should
there really be an aftermath for relaxation? Yikes!
Anyhow, I saw this program on TV about making Christmas landscape
reindeer from nothing but chicken wire. This was of course before lawn ornaments were popular and you could buy them anywhere complete with lights.
This woman on the show made it look so
easy! I dutifully watched the program
and jotted down all the pertinent info (except obviously the burning question…..are you insane?)
and formulated my plan.
Funny Story About How To Make Christmas Lawn Ornaments
I usually got home around 11:15 at night from my day job, and the kids were
always in bed. I couldn’t just jump into
bed after being up and going since 6:00 a.m. so I usually had about an hour to spare while I
soaked in the tub, maybe had a glass of wine and then went to bed to prepare for the next
day. I generally always had things done
before I ever left for work like cooking, cleaning, saving the dog world,
etc. (ha ha) so that nighttime hour
was all mine.
Bob would most often go to bed
or at least fall asleep on the couch waiting for me. He had to get up at 5:00 to get to his job but he always wanted to know I got home safely.
I’d been planning this though and I knew what I needed and what I was going to do. I figured that in that one hour I’d hammer out a lawn
sculpture and everyone would be SO pleased and surprised that they’d want more!
So a day before, I gave Bob my list from what I’d jotted down. I needed this amount of chicken wire, wire cutters,
pieces of wire to hold the cut pieces together, some cardboard, and a glass of
wine…..the wine was of course essential.
Other than that, I had it
made! When I told him about my proposed
project, he looked skeptical. “You’re going to do WHAT?” he asked. “Do we really NEED this on the lawn?”
This from Tim the Toolman who had more
lights on our house than half the city had combined. In fact our driveway could have been mistaken for the runway it was so lit up with red lights! This is the same guy who spent most of the Christmas season
trying to replace bulbs on the top of the house and spent the rest of his time trying to keep the blasted things lit. (I rest my case!)
Hands on hips I looked at him. “So let me get this straight….you’re
giving me crap about MY creation for Christmas?”
That did it. He can deny me nothing pretty
much. I have to give him credit. He probably
already knew what was going to happen but like the gentle man that he is, he
let it go. He had all my supplies waiting for me in the dining room when I got
home as requested, including my glass of wine and just kissed me, wished me luck, and headed off to bed.
So….on create-the-lawn-ornament night, I arrive home, albeit a little
tired but hey…I’m woman, hear me roar and all that bull. I get my glass of wine, and turn on late night TV and set about my
Okay. So I wasn’t the brightest bulb in the toolbox. Who knew that short shag carpet and
chicken wire would not ‘mesh’ so to speak. I laid out the chicken wire very carefully on the living room floor only to discover that it was snagged in about
15 places in the shag carpet. Not off to a great start, Audrey!
gently ripped it loose (like 40 times), took a sip of my wine and began cutting with the wire cutters. Unfortunately, I had not bargained on another fact about chicken wire which is
its ‘curliness’. After I’d cut it and began trying to shape the blasted
thing into the shape of a deer, I now had all these jagged edges. And miracle of miracles, they TOO are snagging
in the shag carpeting.
But that’s not ALL the chicken wire is doing. It’s curling up and scratching my entire body! On one particular
cut with the wire cutters, the chicken wire flips up and hits me in the side of the face, leaving a lovely pencil thin scratch down my entire cheek. Now how the
heck am I going to explain THAT at work tomorrow? I break free of the possessed chicken wire, jump up and run to the bathroom to check in the mirror. Sure enough, it broke the skin and I have a nice cut down my cheek. I guess I’ll tell them Bob got
I run back out to the mess of chicken wire and proceed to jump into the
center of it, gaining myself more scratches as the parts that are not now embedded in the
shag carpet curl up around me as if to give me a cutting embrace. I am now starting to have little cuts and scratches all over every exposed part of myself. It is only half an hour into the ordeal and I have enough cuts and
scratches to cover 3 people!
on the chickenwire and trying to bend it to my will literally but it is having NONE of
this. Where is the easy part of this
process? What was that insane woman on
TV talking about? Indeed…..you can make your own yard landscape
animals? On what planet? Has she ever even worked
with chicken wire with a mind of its own? There was no mention of wrestling and body slamming with chicken wire!
We must have crazy chicken wire at the hardware store where Bob bought this because I can’t get control of this stuff no matter what I try. I pin it down with one leg and one arm, only to have it unhook itself from the shag carpet and come up and poke me in the behind and in the head.
After about an hour of this insanity and looking like I’ve been in a fight
with like 50 chickens, I am so ticked off, I decide the hell with it. I’m not doing this (Do ya think,
Einstein?). I decide that chicken wire and
me do not have a future together and valiantly admitting defeat, set about trying
to get it gathered up so I can clean up this mess (then clean up ME….the other mess)
and slink into bed before Bob sees me.
Unfortunately, every blasted tentacle from the chicken wire is now caught it
seems in the shag carpeting. It took me
forever to cut it loose (worrying all the while that when I look the next day
there will be huge holes in the carpeting).
The blasted chickenwire is still ‘hugging me’ and I want to scream “get off me man”……I
want to scream period. I want to call for help but it’s late and this chicken wire
nightmare is after all of my own making.
no one knows how deadly this can be
The Moral of How to Make Your Own Christmas Lawn Ornaments
Finally, with scratches on my face, my neck, my ears, INSIDE my ears, my arms and my legs, with snags in my
pants for good measure, I finally am able to gather up the chicken wire and I do the most mature
thing I know how to do….I open the dining room door, step out on the deck and
throw the chicken wire to its death on the patio below. I even flip it off for good measure!
Dusting my hands, I gather up the tools, set
them quietly on the kitchen counter for Bob to return to their rightful place
away from me, down the last dregs of my wine and go to bed.
The next morning as I stagger from bed after having nightmares of chicken wire
entangling me and making ME into a lawn sculpture, Bob stands grinning at the
coffee pot and hands me a cup of sheer heaven.
“I like the look….what is that new makeup style you’re wearing,
I think I muttered something like “bite me”. Okay, not mature but hey, I
had chicken wire scratches from head to toe and instead of wrestling with him
and having some fun, I spent an hour on the floor with shag carpeting and
chicken wire. I was entitled to be
Not enough eh? He had to say it. “Oh and Audrey, by the way, lovely lawn ornament out there
on the patio. I just wonder where we
should put it for the most effect. Are you going to attach lights to it like you planned?”
Again with the taunting. He’s lucky I was too tired to dump my coffee over his head.
“Thanks so much for telling me about chicken wire properties though
Bob. Like I would know that it would be
like wrestling an octopus with 1000 tiny blades” I retorted as I headed off to the shower where I cursed and shrieked every time the water hit my scratches.
Moral of this story…..everything that looks easy isn’t necessarily so. I think that’s when I started to hate Martha
Stewart and all these other ‘project people’ who stand there on TV telling us how easy these projects are and how we can do these things.
Of course, Audrey….blame it on someone else when in fact if you had half a brain, you might have
thought it through or at least not tried working with chicken wire on shag carpet, eh?
I still get a little lightheaded when I see chicken wire to be honest. I think it’s a very dangerous piece of equipment and it should be kept behind bars!
It should at least have a warning label on it that once unfurled, it can attack randomly and cut you to ribbons!
And I have yet to buy one Christmas lawn ornament. There are just some things that are better forgotten about entirely!
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