Why Do These Things Happen To Me?
I’ll tell you why – because I’m a sitting duck. I’m a veritable Lucille Ball going through life minding my own business and these things just HAPPEN. I do not go looking for troubles or ‘situations’ as my family call them! No – I just get up and go through my everyday life being Audrey and these things just seem to come to me – like Velcro. If it’s possible to put myself into a comedic spot – there I am! Case in point – read on – I was minding my own business when….
If you look carefully at the above picture of a hutch/bookcase I have in my office, you can see on the right-hand side that there is an opening. Ha – that was where the trouble came in. There used to be a phone system sitting on the right-hand side, which is since gone probably because of what I ended up doing to it.
I got up and worked my transcription shift as usual one Sunday morning. I also own a transcription service and have people who work for me and this particular weekend, we had been having troubles with our Internet connections. I had called my ‘trusty’ computer guru who gave the brilliant suggestion that it could be being caused by ‘line noise’ and that we needed to unhook all our cables, all our telephone lines and replug everything in to clear the lines. Sounded simple.
Bob was in the process of putting up a shed outside in the backyard.
It also happened to still be winter so all the windows were closed up
tighter than a drum. It also happened to be a very windy day. I’m giving
all these details because I guess in retrospect this is why I was not
rescued SOONER. I told Bob that I would let him know (call him on his
cell phone inside the shed he was putting up) when I was done with work
so we could go ahead and pull all these wires and cords. He was all
ready to go but told me to give him a call about 15 minutes ahead so he
could put away all the tools, etc. since one of our malamutes loved to
play ‘hide the tool’ if anything was left out within reach of his big
I finished up my shift, dutifully called Bob on the phone and he said
he’d be in in probably about 10-15 minutes. I in my usual diligent
style decided I’d just grab a cup of coffee and go ahead and start
‘tidying’ up the wires and things so he would not have to spend a lot of
time grousing about what a hassle it all was because they were all
located behind this desk. Well, that was my first mistake!
Luckily I set the coffee on another desk. Not so luckily, I bent over
the desk and managed to insinuate myself into that opening on the
right-hand side. Imagine, however, that there is a very large phone
system sitting there and I am in fact laying on top of it. I must
congratulate myself as I actually managed to maneuver myself into a
relatively tight spot. I am now bent at the waist peering down at the
wires and cords behind the desk with my head wedged against the wall.
All this without a flashlight! I had just pulled the phone cords from
the phone system and they were in my hot little hand.
As I was reaching for the wall jacks to disconnect said phone jacks
from there, I heard a noise – it was not a good noise. In retrospect, I
should have bolted upright right then but it probably would still have
happened. I am lying on top of the phone system with my boobs pressed to
the keys when I realize that the sound I heard was HOLY CRAP – the
bookcase/hutch was moving. It slid off to the right and with a lovely
smacking sound, proceeded to shift and come down on top of my head. It
happened to catch me right behind my left ear – it kinda sounded like a
watermelon splitting when it hit my head…..not good.
Well, if that didn’t make my day, nothing much would! I obviously
could not hold onto the phone cords so dropped those little suckers but
quick. I am now lying impaled on the phone system with my arms down
BEHIND the desk. I have the weight of this blasted bookcase/hutch on my
back and if that was not good enough, it is on an angle. I can at least
feel that much. Then I remember the monitor – the very large, very heavy
flat screen monitor that is sitting precariously on the shelf. NOW it’s
time to panic!
I happen to think I’m pretty good in a panic situation. My family happens to think otherwise and I suppose in all fairness, they are correct! This would be one of those times. I think the fact that the monitor was precariously hanging somewhere over the vicinity of my outstretched spine was what got to me. I had visions of it splintering into shards and going through my spine leaving me paralyzed from the neck down. I know – way to create a situation of total insanity and it is all in my head. So what to do?
Well, I tried to somehow disengage my arms and draw at least one of them back up as there was 1 phone still connected albeit a portable one sitting in its cradle some distance away. However, I could not pry my arms out of the ‘smashed’ position I found myself in and to make matters worse, my boobs are totally in the way. Had I had the phone wires still connected, I imagine I could have somehow gotten the receiver off the dang thing and dialed with my boobs. It would have been interesting – but I probably could have gutted out ‘hello – 911 – I’m stuck under a bookcase and I can’t get up….please come help. Oh yeah – my husband’s in the backyard’. Now THAT would have gotten Bob’s attention when they came charging into the yard with axes in full gear.
So here I am and not one to just ‘be calm’ – what good would THAT do after all? – I decided I’d better start yelling for help. At first, I started out just yelling ‘HELLLLLP – someone HEEELLLPPP.’ Nothing/zilch/nada. What the heck kind of dogs do I have anyway? They could not be more UNLIKE Lassie – ‘she’s fallen and she can’t get up – we need to get help!’ They were lying around on the deck – I just knew it – sound asleep while I struggled with my life and the bookcase from hell! Well, I figured maybe if I kept screaming, SOMEONE would hear me – yeah right. We live on a wetlands, the wind was blowing and as I said, it was freezing cold outside and the windows were all bolted down for winter. But surely my HUSBAND would sense I was in trouble – much like the dogs? Yeah, right – since he is already hard of hearing – what was I thinking?
Well, when you know that you are trapped, and no one is coming, there is only one thing to do – TRULY kick it up a notch – really panic! That’s the story I’m sticking with at any rate. I now went from screaming to out-and-out PANIC screaming. I am now screaming ‘HEELLLLP’ so loud and so furious that I can feel blood vessels popping around my eyes. I am freaked out and I do not mean a little bit. I am in the stage now where I cannot breathe because I am so afraid I’m going to be here for another 3 hours. What if Bob forgets? What if Bob doesn’t come in? What if something happens to Bob and he NEVER finds me?
To make matters worse, I have a herniated disc in my lower back. I have to say that this was not the best therapy for that!! I am bent at the waist being pulled by gravity (and weighed down by the blasted bookcase) so that I feel like I’m on a prone rack and it is yanking the living daylights out of me. I am practically on my TOES because of the pull forward and the backs of my legs are now starting to go numb – or maybe I’m already paralyzed. (I am totally cool and calm in all situations – can you tell?) Good GOD – what am I going to do?
I did think about throwing the bookcase off of me somehow and just running – but honestly – I was not having any luck budging it in the slightest. Every time I tried to shift a bit, I could feel this thing waffling back and forth on my back and the monitor creeping on the shelf. By now, of course, I’m drenched in sweat, bathed in my own tears (though thankfully I have not peed my pants). My voice is becoming nothing but a raw croak and still no Bob! Where the hell is a knight in shining armor when you need one?
I figure that 10-15 minutes at least went by. I know this because my coffee was dead cold when I finally was rescued. I know this because my mental clock was clicking off the minutes that I was trapped and I happened to know when I called my husband. I kept thinking would he come in the downstairs door and WHEN? If he did, surely he would hear me right away and come rescue me. Oh that would be the GOOD scenario!
Minutes ticked by further and I screamed and screamed (in retrospect, I probably should have just saved my screams for the big finale – what good did all that screaming do?). FINALLY, FINALLY – I hear the upstairs dining room door open – of course! Isn’t that how my luck goes? He can’t come in the downstairs door like a ‘normal’ person – he has to go upstairs!
Now the screaming starts in earnest – I did not even bother with ‘HELP’ anymore – what the heck good was it anyway? I just started screaming ‘BAAAUUUUUBBB’ in blood curdling choruses – just a steady diatribe of his screamed name. Surely he would hear me and come help me!!! Well – it took a minute – at least! It finally registered in his head that I was screaming and from somewhere really, really far away! Then it struck him – WHY would I be screaming like that? Well, here are the top 2 thoughts he had – I have to say I was a little insulted by one of them:
A burglar got in and he had me held hostage downstairs – he wasn’t sure if he should come running in and be caught too – maybe he should go for help/call for help (sure, Bob)
I had had a meltdown and I had gone insane.
Okay – now that really hurts! First of all that he thinks I could have a meltdown (if I had not thus far in 34 years of marriage???) – and second of all – how many people do you know that has a meltdown and this is how it manifests itself – just screaming ‘BAAAAUUUUUBB’ over and over again. If I was going to have a meltdown, don’t you think I could be more creative and yell something like ‘AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH’ or a string of colorful multiple swear words – not ‘BAAAAAUUUUBBB?’ Give me a break!!!
So – all this time it is clicking through his head what to grab, what to do – I’m still trapped – are you kidding me? FINALLY, he grabs a broom (nice weapon) and decides to come down and investigate it. Of course I’m still screaming bloody murder and never even hear him coming. I guess he wanted to get the ‘drop’ on the burglar or maybe he had a pillowcase I never saw that he was going to throw over my head in case it was the ‘big meltdown’.
I have to laugh now because I’m SURE he did not anticipate what he saw when he came flying down the hallway armed to the teeth (ha) and rounded the corner into my office – some old lady’s fat behind hung over the desk with a nice big bookcase on her back!!! I’ve heard of monkeys on your back but this takes the cake!
Well – he threw down the broom and I have to say – he moved pretty quickly for an old guy! He wrenched the bookcase off of me and slammed it down – then proceeded to yank me off the desk and into his embrace. He was a knight in shining armor after all!! Of course by this time, I am so hysterical and so manic that I am shaking like a thousand leaves and I cannot even control myself to speak. I am just sobbing over and over and he is just hugging me tighter and tighter – might have used the pillowcase then I guess or maybe whacked me once with the broom. Of course he had to say it ‘what the hell were you doing?’ Why do people always say the most inane things in times of crises? If I had been ‘me’ I would have said ‘oh, just hanging out and seeing if I could give you a thrill – did it work?’
I was sore for probably 3 or 4 days. I had a sore and raspy throat like you would not believe for several days. My back was killing me and I had a lump on my head the size of a small egg for at least 10 days that my hairdresser asked about. We called a new computer tech out to look at the wires FOR US the next day (it obviously was not line noise) and much to his dismay, when he went to lean over the desk and look behind at the wires, etc. Bob and I both yelled in unison ‘NO – GET AWAY FROM THERE!’ – we scared the poor guy half to death.
I have had a myriad of suggestions from family and friends – from getting a Lifeline to wearing a rubber suit to carrying a net with me at all times. I have learned my lesson, however. I always make sure I have a cell phone with me (although in this case I know my boobs could never have dialed the numbers so that is just stupid) and I am not allowed around furniture of any kind unless I have a ‘spotter’. I think that is probably for the best as who knew leaning over a desk could be so dangerous? I did go out and thank my dogs as well for being such great rescue dogs! Ah well, not all of them can be Lassie!
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