Funny Story About My Son With ADD: The Jonathan Chronicles Part 1

Funny Story About My Son With ADD: The Jonathan Chronicles Part 1

Funny Story About My Son With ADD: The Jonathan Chronicles Part 1

I have yet to touch on the ride of my life….something I fondly refer now to as the
Jonathan Chronicles. These stories
sometimes involve our other 2 children but most often, they are centered around
one central character (and what a character he has always been)….our oldest boy Jonathan.

I cannot begin to tell you how he burst into our lives or how he has left
Bob and I both (and many family members and strangers along the way) marked or
touched forever.

We love him dearly and
our lives would never have been the same without him. I have to truly say though, this child, this guy, gave me every gray hair I have on my head. But I can honestly say it was a wonderful ride.

Was it worth it? Oh, without a doubt…you bet….and I would not trade a second of it. I’m glad I was much younger when I was raising him though.  And I might have wished some of it didn’t happen, but our life with Jonathan has never been dull!

Does he look electric or what?

Funny Story About My Son with ADD

This particular story is set in the lovely city of Detroit. We had moved there when Jon was only 4 months
old and after living in an apartment for 6 months or so, we rented a
small house in the suburb known as Dearborn, Michigan. It was a very old neighborhood, in fact a
Polish neighborhood. I still dream about
the fantastic meat market they had just a block from our house!

This tiny little house had several rooms upstairs, a very large unfinished
cement basement and a huge yard. It was
perfect for the 2 of us and Jonathan. He was 2 at the time and I was pregnant with Patrick. The house was owned by an older
Polish woman and was my kind of house; immaculate inside and out.

I loved having the huge fenced back yard for
Jonathan but there was unfortunately one little problem. There was a gate at the very end of the
chain-link fenced yard and the gate had no key as the owner had long ago misplaced
it. No matter – what would we ever be
going out the gate for anyway? …..hmmmmm

The thing you must know about my wonderful Jonathan here is that he is
hyperactive. When I hear stories about
kids with ADD, I laugh or smile to myself.
Jonathan could win the contests hands down.

I still punish myself with thoughts about did
I drink too much coffee, if I had wine or beer, did that cause it? No matter now but he was
hyper to the max from the day we brought him home from the hospital. It was a challenge to keep up with him as an infant but once
he started to walk, look out. He actually did not walk – he ran!

At 2, I could never take my eyes off him for 5 minutes. He had already locked me out of the house
twice (more stories for another day), he had turned off the pilot light for the gas, filled the
dryer with LIQUID fabric softener, locked himself in my sister-in-law’s car while it was running pointed at the store, and walked out the front door and down the road, somehow managing to unlock the front door. To say that I was exhausted all
the time (and not from the pregnancy) was an understatement.

By late July, I was as big as a house (I truly looked like a
beached whale and ended up going 3-1/2 weeks past my due date). I happened to have some time off from my
usual transcription night job. I worked evenings and Bob worked days.

I was tidying up, doing laundry, changing the
beds, etc. (you know – fun stuff) I had just put Jon out in the big back yard
in the sandbox we’d built. I was keeping an eye out the window at all
times to see what he was up to. The week prior, he’d emptied the entire
contents of the BBQ onto himself and into the sandbox.

This time though, I saw him happily playing with trucks and
breathed a momentary sigh of relief. I
was going to finish the bedmaking and go outside to relax in the sun with him.

I left the room for a minute to take some towels I’d folded into the
bathroom and use the facilities….and that’s all the time it took for disaster to
strike once again. I came back into the
bedroom to grab my book to head outside and took one last glance out the window
at the sandbox. WHAT? Where in the name of all that’s holy is

Of course he had disappeared. That’s
the way my life went. If I had had speed
dial back then, Bob would have been ‘it’, my #1.
I sometimes had to call him at work just to get a lifeline back to sanity with
this child but at this very moment, I didn’t even have time for a Bob

I screamed, I shouted “Jon-a-THAN” in
my stern mom’s voice out the window and still I could not spy him anywhere in
the yard. What the heck? Was he abducted by aliens?

So I kept looking scanning further…..what was that….at the very end of the yard. No, BEYOND the yard….as in across the alley. NO way… in the yard behind
us across the alley……the yard with….what was that??? The GERMAN SHEPHERD??????

Are you kidding me? I’m squinting because it’s so far away it
seems that I can’t quite make it out at all……is that MY SON??? Is that German Shepherd leaping at him….is
that dog trying to grab his ARM????????????

Shrieking doesn’t cover it….screaming doesn’t cover it……the bionic
woman doesn’t cover it……a whale running doesn’t cover it. Oh-My-GAWD………….I’m barefoot, I have
on a SHIFT for crying out loud. I look
like a big swaying mumu without the luxury of being in Hawaii and I’m

I can hear the music from
Chariots of Fire in my head as I race out the door, nearly fall down 2 stairs
as I jump out into the backyard and the baton is passed……I’m running for
the finish line which is the end of the HUGE backyard…..

More of My Funny Story About My Son with ADD

If anyone had videotaped this, it would have sold a million copies for the
laugh effect. I can hear the commentary….”Big pregnant cow running
in quicksand is now halfway down the length of her yard….she’s yelling
something….I can barely make it out…..waaaah……JON-A-THAAAAN………don’t

By the time I reached the end of the yard, I was out of breath (do ya
think?). My belly had jumped up and hit me in the face I think a couple of
times it was that big….my legs were killing me already. Who jogs when they’re pregnant?

I see Jonathan….no bite marks that I can
discern from over on my side…but the blasted dog keeps coming in at him and I
don’t know if he or she is being friendly or just circling for the kill since I
realize belatedly that Jonathan is inside his KENNEL. Oh for god’s sake…..does it ever get easy
for me?

Now I finally realize one very critical point. I have no key for the blasted gate. It never seemed that important before and now it seems vital!

Well, nothing like a mother bear trying to
save her cub. Since I was too pregnant
to vault over the fence as I normally would (I can dream can’t
I?)….I decided that the only way to save my baby was to climb the blasted fence
barefoot, somehow gingerly climb down, and then even more gingerly open the other
fence……if I could….if it was unlocked! “Please God don’t make me climb that one, too!!!” All I needed to do was get into their
backyard. This was before cell phones,
folks, so I was on my own.

With all the grace of a hippo, I climbed up the fence on my side, managing to get my
blasted toes caught in every chink of the chain link, then somehow straddled
the fence (I must note here that Jonathan AND the dog actually stopped what
they were doing and watched this unbelievable scene unfolding in front of

I was going to gracefully dismount. However, my blasted shift got caught on the
chain link, then in an effort to not tear my dress (oh heavens, we must be
practical), I caught my toe somehow and then my leg. I ended up gouging my leg
in several places on the chain link, then heard my dress rip anyway
and then unceremoniously fell into the alley.

Thank goodness
it was grass and not cement. All I could
think of was the baby….and then all I could think of was my son……

Jon had been laughing away previous to my fall off the fence but now he was
starting to whine a bit….and the dog was seemingly growing more
aggressive. Perhaps he scented MY blood
on the fence….oh yikes! The dog was
grabbing onto Jon’s shirt and pulling. By the way, no one had seen this all happening from inside the dog owner’s
house so I assume no one was home. It
looked like hippo to the rescue and all that.

So I dragged myself up off the ground, looked down at the tear in my dress and my bleeding
leg and limped towards the gate. Unbelievably…..their outside gate was unlocked. I started talking to the dog. I considered singing but I can barely carry a tune and all I know are show tunes.

might add here that this was before I became a dog fanatic and except for my
love of dogs, I really had no experience with dogs, especially very huge dogs
who happened to have my son’s shirt in his or her mouth.

I began talking to Jonathan…..”Just do as mommy
says and we’ll get out of this okay?” He seemed to FINALLY have grasped that
maybe this wasn’t the smartest thing he had done (yet) and was looking at me
all eyes and he definitely was all ears.

So was Killer the German
Shepherd. I now heard a low growl in his
throat (the dog’s not Jonathan’s). Probably the blood dripping from my leg was not helping me a bit here
and the fact that my idiot son had gone into his kennel was another strike against us.

With a move a cop would have been proud of, I somehow grabbed my son, threw
him out into the alley and slammed the door closed leaving only me and my
bleeding leg between the gate and many, many snarling teeth.

I talked to the dog trying to explain that my
son really didn’t mean to wake him or her up and that we were going now. However, Killer didn’t happen to like the
whole scenario suddenly and grabbed at me instead.

I heard yet another rip (crap….this dress
was not lasting the rest of today and I think it was pretty much toast)…..then he lunged at me. Unfortunately for him, walruses can move pretty fast when they want to.

I gave a kick-out which was really a pathetic
attempt at a karate kick. When you’re 7 months pregnant with a huge baby, it’s
lucky I didn’t fall on my arse to be honest. I let out a powerful scream but I think the scream was because I heard my underwear ripping….although that could have been my groin.

I somehow got myself out of the fence, slammed it shut, refastened the
hitch and sunk down to my knees sobbing. Killer came as close as he could snarling away but finally gave up and went back to his cave.

Jonathan in true Jon form came over, put his arms around my neck and
just hung on. I think he learned at an
early age to just say nothing. I’m not
sure if he knew why he did these things…..and I know I certainly didn’t!

Epilogue to One Funny Story About My Son with ADD

Well….wasn’t that a nice relaxing afternoon after all?  I looked down at
Jon and I looked at the fence a short distance away.  So near yet so far. 

He asked me something about if we were going
back over….I shuddered….no way in heck, pal. 

So the wounded walrus grabbed the little boy’s hand and limped down the
alley and all the way around the block back to the house……where I promptly put
a thankfully very tired Jonathan to bed for a nap…..hopefully.  

And then I promptly called daddy to tell him
what ELSE happened today and think I mentioned something about needing combat pay! 

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