New group with BIG plans

A new terrorist group has formed and we have a spy amongst them to provide some insight into this emerging organization. The group is called al Hatemorestuffpharonni. The following is from a live tape from their leader Quackustar.

Heard on tape: “Oh we have many many members my friend and we will change the world. We will do to the world what Pepsi did to coke! It’s the nature of the beast. For instance anyone caught chewing American bubble gum around here will be severely punished. We we take the gum from them and shove it right in their own hair. You know how hard it is to get gum out of hair? Then we will parade them around in a parade of people with gum stuck in their hair. They will be so humiliated!”

Infiltrator guy: “How many members do you have?”

Quackustar: (Some background noise of distant flatulence) “Why do you want to know that? Are you recording this? Is that a mike in your hand?”

Infiltrator guy: “No, no, it’s just a lump of camel excrement.”

Quackustar: “Oh yes, I myself keep some under my pillow to remind me what my village smells like. We have over ten thousand followers, two camels and several sheep. I’m not sure how many sheep because I can’t count that high.We are all equipped with bazookas and rocks and hard pieces of mud. One guy has a chip bag, salt in the eyes can be a very effective weapon my friend. I myself once took down my mother-in-law with a chip bag. It was either a chip bag or a bazooka I don’t remember. Additionally, my second in command has a big freaking stick; I don’t know what he’s going to do with it but it will be something bad.”

Infiltrator guy. “So tell me this, what exactly are your plans? Are you able to give me some detail?”

Quackustar: “I’m not stupid enough to tell you. But I’ll give you some true examples that might not be true. If I’m in my hut watching cartoons and an American plane passes over and then I can’t hear my cartoon, there will be hell to pay my friend. We won’t do anything to the plane or the passengers, but the mechanic that put that engine in the plane! We’ll track him down and kick his ass. It will be the mother-of-all ass kickings. He’ll be sorry that he ever put that engine in that plane I can tell you that. We’ll even kick his dog if he has one. If he doesn’t have one we’ll get him one and then we’ll kick it.”

Then we hear other background noises, someone says in the distance: “Get your hand off my banana!”

“Furthermore, if anyone even dares to look in our direction then we will rub mud in their eyes so they can’t see. Yes, that will teach them, and then they will need a seeing-eyed camel. And his hair will be full of camel spit all the time! Ha, ha, ha, ha, cough, cough!”

Infiltrator guy: “You are a very serious organization.”

Quackustar: “Yes we are serious. So serious that I punch myself right in the face every morning. If I even think about laughing I run and throw myself off a cliff. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it. So far we’ve put $17 into this organization. It might not sound like a lot but we only make $10 every five years so it is a lot of money. Let me tell you this my friend. I myself am a professional rock thrower. See that American jet up there? It’s about 30, 000 feet up; I could hit it if I want to hit it, maybe scratch the paint or scare the pilot. But there might be someone on that plane that I know. I wouldn’t want to scare them. So for now they are safe.”

Infiltrator guy: “That’s very nice of you.”

“Don’t take that as a sign of weakness. If some blind guy comes by here and gives me a dirty look, don’t worry I’ll take care of him. The very next day I’ll go to his hut and spit right in his coffee, and I won’t even tell him until he drinks half of it. And believe me my spit tastes bad, I can taste it right now. Even though I did brush my teeth with a branch last summer. Ha, ha, ha, cough, cough!”

“If we don’t like the look of a certain tree we’ll kill it. We only want trees around here that will do what we want it to do. If we have an apple tree and we tell it to grow oranges and it doesn’t comply, we’ll tear the freaking bark right off of it. I’ll even show it my naked butt and believe me it doesn’t want to see that.”

Infiltrator guy. “What is your position on women?”

Quackustar: “Well, let me tell you this. They will be severely punished if we catch any woman going to school. We figure that if even one women went to school she would be smarter than all of us in less than a week. We can’t have that. Yes, no. And they must wear buckets on their heads, and we don’t care if they cut out holes for eyes or not. As long as they are naked with a bucket on their head that is all that matters.”

Infiltrator guy: “What do you know about Osama?”

Quackustar: “We don’t know much. We heard that he’s travelling repeatedly across the border of Pakistan, hidden inside the butt of a camel. It’s only a rumor.

Infiltrator guy: “Is it true that you have chemical weapons?”

Quackustar: “Do you think that I’m stupid? I’m not going to answer that. But yes it is true. See, we get this nice briefcase and we get Carlos to be flatulent in it. Then we throw it across the border. And then a guy comes along and he spots it; he thinks it is a nice case, maybe something valuable inside. Maybe a naked women or money. So he he can’t resist so he opens it and bang he gets hit right in the face with a suitcase full of farts.”

Infiltrator guy: “Okay Quackustar, I believe that I have enough information to write my report.”

Quackustar: “What!”

Infiltrator guy: “I mean I think I’ll go and change my shorts.”

Quackustar: “Oh okay then. I think I see a woman over there trying to learn something.”