So I was talking to David Letterman this morning when he called his bodyguards over to beat the living snot right out of me. I’m in a coma as I write this. (which is not unusual) I am now completely devoid of snot, and that’s not a bad condition really. I still have a cold but no snot.That will teach me not to ask him for an autograph.

Now I know you’re not going to believe this because of my penchant for humor. That’s what happens when you joke around a lot. They won’t believe anything. Help, I’ve been shot. Ha, ha, funny guy. So what was I on about? Oh yeah, my real condition. You see as I write this I am completely invisible. It’s as factual as a politician speech.. I drink a lot of coffee (whisky) so it could be something in the coffee beans (whisky beans), who the heck knows what those donkeys do in those beans! Whether it could make a person invisible is a debate for the scientists and scholars. And the guys that work at Burger King; those guys are smarter than the average bear.

I am holding up my mirror and I can tell you this, there’s no reflection. Additionally, I can’t even get any fog on it. None, zilch, zip. I’m trying different angles and still nothing that looks like me. Oh wait, I see the problem now. I was holding the mirror backwards. I was beginning to wonder why my reflection said MADE IN CHINA. Life can be funny like that. One day we’ll all wake up dead, that’s just the way the cookie turns. That’s life on this big old dust ball.

Okay, people think I’m slow but I’m not. I walk about as fast as the average person. It’s true.

Oh, yeah, the topic for today is not so popular specialty channels that you see on TV. Where else. On a cell phone I suppose. (Why do 8-year-old’s need cell phones? Who are they going to call? Other kids with cell phones? I guess.) I mean how many freaking channels do we need? there’s the military channel, and the war channel, and the fighting channel, and the conflict channel, and the tossing grenade channel? Wait…

(I’m clearing my throat and it sounds a lot like a bear gargling Pepsi)

And again we are discussing NOT SO POPULAR SPECIALTY CHANNELS. See all those big letters? Do you? Huh. Was it for emphasis?  Just checking to see if you were paying attention. I too have HDSC HDD? KFC? LMNOP? Well, I have something.

So the PMS channel would be one of those channels: 24 hours of wives choking their husbands. AND you could have the police brutality channel: Everybody sing, “Bad cops, bad cops, what you gonna do when they come for you?” (run like hell) Can you say hell in this thing? How about ass? Can you say ass?

Bart says ass.

You could have the senior channel: 24 hours of “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Well, if you can’t get up then stay down. Just because you’re 95 you thought you could get away with not exercising, didn’t you? That’s what happens when you slack off on the weights. Being 95 is no excuse my friend. Was it necessary to say 24 hours again? I don’t know, the supervisor is taken his break.

The adult channel: 24 hours (there he goes again) of adults pummeling Barney the Dinosaur. Or you could have the Bigfoot channel: In search of an idiot. The Bologna channel: 24 hours of O. J. Simpson’s alibi’s. (What do you think he did with the knife? Gas tank?)

The Racist channel: Picture only available in black OR white, you’re choice.

How about a channel with all commercials, and occasionally they put in a three minute program. But with all those commercial minutes, man WHAT a program. And the special effects. (How come we don’t see any below average effects? No, their all special. My movie would have below average effects.)

Although he’s gone to that cabin in the sky (on fire perhaps) Suddam Hussein would have had the MOTHER of all channels.

You know I like to ramble so tell me this. Swiper no swiping? He’s a swiper, he’s gonna swipe. That’s like saying singer, no singing. Actor, no acting.That’s like saying whore, no whoring. She’s a whore, she gonna whore. Er. Ah. Murp.

What was I talking about again? Where am I?