Seinfield II          (NEW SEINFIELD)

Seinfield again!

Yes, since my first Seinfield is my most popular blog, hub or whatever the heck you want to call it I decided to do another. Heck, such language! I should be punished! I’m going to go and stick my head in the oven for awhile. But not to worry it’s electric so what could happen?

Anyway, I’m back from the oven and ready to go. Do you smell something burning? So what trouble should we get them in this time? Yes, you in the back with your hand raised? Oh, come on now, the series wasn’t rated XXX. We can’t have George do that with a freshly made loaf of bread. Get your mind out of the gutter man, woman, or whatever you are.

So I suppose this episode needs a title. How about “Money, money, money.”

So Elaine is dating a big guy from Russia and she tickled pink. But she has noticed that if anyone so much as looks at her the wrong way he ends up dead. One guy showed up frozen to death outside her apartment and the police suspect foul play because he had a chicken stuffed down his throat.

What do you mean that’s not realistic? You try breathing with a chicken down your throat.

A new casino opens up in the area and Kramer gets hooked on playing blackjack, but the problem is he’s terrible at it. He occasionally wants to be hit when he has twenty. “The game is twenty-one Jerry, not twenty. Oh YEAH!!!”

Newman meets Elaine outside her apartment and insults her. “Elaine, what does that big Russian brute have that I don’t have?”

“Style, taste, good looks, money, muscles, and he takes a shower more than one a month NEWman. That’s what you should make yourself into, a NEW MAN!” And she laughs and laughs. “You better get out of here Newman, although I can’t be sure I think that my boyfriend is in the Russian mob.”

“He doesn’t scare me one IOTA.”

“He’s gonna take an IOTA and shove it up your …”

Elaine’s boyfriend suddenly appears from around the corner and Newman runs like the wind. It’s rather entertaining to see him run that fast.

Elaine starts to laugh again. “Run Forest run!. You’re the size of a forest I can tell you that! Wow, look at him go. If he doesn’t slow down he going to go back to the future.”

Her boyfriend Art shows up with a thick Russian accent. “Hey babe, was that guy bothering you?”

“Don’t worry about it, he bothers everyone.”

“Don’t you worry about him, you won’t be seeing him around anymore.”

“No, no, I was just joking! He wasn’t bothering me. Really!”

Art winks. “Well his scent was bothering me. Ha, ha, ha!” A big hearty and phony laugh.

“Well, goodbye Newman. It’s been not so nice knowing you.”

“Elaine, do you know where I can get a live chicken?”

Elaine shakes her head. “Not again with the chicken. I’m pretty sure a chicken won’t do that guy in.”

Latter that night in Jerry’s apartment. Elaine enters as Jerry heads for the washroom.

“Elaine, ever notice that on TV no one ever goes to the washroom.”

“Of course not, who would want to see that!”

Elaine starts to dance to the song in her head and of course it’s a sad sight. She spots Jerry’s bank book on the counter and rushes to it. She gasps when she realizes what she has in her hand. “I can’t look! But I can’t not look, I’ll never forgive myself.” And so with shaky hands she picks up the bank book and quickly turns the pages and she sees the amount that he has in the bank.

“Seven million dollars!”

Off screen from the washroom. “Did you say something Elaine?” Jerry asks.

“No,” and he voice trails off. She tries to leave but he legs are so wobbly that she can hardly stand as she barely makes it to the sofa.”

Jerry enters to see Elaine all weird on the sofa. “Elaine, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I just ah, oh, I’ll be all right in a money.”

“What! What did you say!”

“I said I’ll be all right in a minute.”

Jerry rushes over and grabs his bankbook. “Oh no! Elaine! How could you! That personal, that’s private, that’s none of your business! What have you done!”

“You are SO handsome Jerry. I think I’m falling for you again. Can I sleep here tonight?”

“You’re under the influence of money. You gotta get out of here while I think this through. We might not be able to be friends anymore. You idiot!”

“We were meant to be together, money. I mean Jerry.”

Jerry helps her to the door. “Now, get going. By the way, have you seen Newman lately? He owes me money and I haven’t seen him all week Why I would loan my archenemy money I’ll never know. Him and his crocodile tears!.

“Oh, money,” she says as Jerry shuts the door in her face.

The next morning Kramer shows up. “Hey buddy, I need a little favor.”

Jerry looks at him suspiciously. “What KIND of favor?”

Kramer scratches his head vigorously. “See, I kinda need $50,000 to pay off my debt at the casino.”

Jerry slowly shakes his head. “Kramer, I’m not giving you $50,000.”

“No, no, it would be a loan Jerry.”

Jerry can’t believe what he’s hearing. “And where would you get this 50 grand to give back to me, and that’s if I didn’t want any interest! And I would! And wherever you were gonna get this money to repay me, that’s where you need to go and get it from right now!”

“But they’re gonna take my legs Jerry. Both of ’em!”

“I guess I’ll be calling you stumpy.”

“Oh come on Jerry! What will I do with no legs!”

“You could crawl around. Eventually you’ll get used to it, and then YOU’LL GET GOOD AT IT.”

Kramer shows Jerry the saddest face. “Jerry, I could do work for you! I could mop your floor, and wash your dishes.”

“Mop my floor! What do you charge per swipe? A $1000 per swipe of the mop.”

“Well, I am rather expensive but you can afford it.”

That’s the last straw for Jerry. “Get out of here!”

Jerry starts rubbing his forehead from the stress. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed. I’m gonna get wrinkles and gray hair, even cellulite.”

George enters. “Jerry, Jerry, you know what we should do! You should buy a motor-home and the four of us should go on an adventure!”

“A motor-home here in Manhattan!”

George shakes his head vigorously. “No, no, we go on an adventure, to the Grand Canyon maybe. One of my best childhood memories is being in a motor-home. I was in the back of the motor-home and I’m on the toilet and I have diarrhea, it was great.”

Jerry is puzzled as he looks at George. “That was one of your best childhood memories? You having diarrhea?”

“I didn’t say it was the best.”

Jerry shakes his head. “What was the second best, you with your bulbous head caught under a tractor!!! You know, that could explain a lot with you.”

“George, I’m gonna give you 10 seconds to get out of my apartment before I start throwing stuff.”

“At me, the stuff you’ll be throwing will it be at me?”

Jerry get a dark look on his face. “One! Two!”

“All right I’m going, think about it, just think about it.”


Jerry awakes and he’s in his bed. It’s in the middle of the night. “What a nightmare. I knew I shouldn’t have that pizza after midnight.”

Jerry goes back to sleep as he hugs his pillow.