In the deep woods.

Tiger Woods announced that he is taking “an indefinite break” from
professional golf, well isn’t that special. I’m not perfect so no more golf for me. I ran over a few people with my fancy car so no more golf for me. Ha yuk. He’ll be back in less than a year saying, “I’m a better guy now, I’ve figured out all my faults and I’ve put them in a book that you can purchase for $27.95 plus tax. I’ll never do it again where you can catch me. Oh wait, I shouldn’t have said that last part.”

Tiger is in the woods now isn’t he. There was always a little something off about that guy. Maybe I was getting that beeping noise when I pointed my phony detecting machine at him for a reason. Or perhaps I just don’t know how to make one of those gadgets. Maybe it was the fact that he was rich, handsome and successful and I am in fact poor and ugly. Perhaps I’m so jealous that I’m actually turning green. But of that I can’t really be sure.It’s difficult yourself, although a mirror just might help a little.

You watch him on TV playing golf and he misses a shot and he’s cursing and swearing, chewing the bark off of trees, chasing the camera guy around with a 3 iron. And making out with his girlfriend in the woods. Great example for all those kids that look up to him as a hero. He’s only worth like a billion dollars, of course he’d be an angry guy. How dare fate make him one of the most privileged guys around. It’s just not fair.

It’s certainly not fair to the rest of us. It’s definitely not fair to me, I can’t even afford to play a round of golf.

And lets face it, how can anyone be that good at golf? Is he cheating. Oh, I guess so. Most certainly possible it is. Is he playing with electronic balls? Are his balls being guided secretly from the woods by a guy with a thing from Radio Shack? We’ll have to ask all his girlfriends about that, perhaps they have some inside information. But have you ever observed so many lucky shots in all your life? So what exactly happens when he doesn’t win? Well, it’s deliberate of course. If he won every single event people would become suspicious. Or heavy cloud cover that interferes with his remote control balls.

Did he consider every angle when he decided to cheat on the wife?” I’m pretty sure they won’t say anything about it, and two; no one will ever recognize me that’s for sure. I’ll put on a shirt that’s not Nike. What a disguise!”

What really happened when he crashed his car outside his Florida mansion late last month? I don’t know but I can certainly make stuff up. Was he on his cell with his girlfriend when she screamed, “I’m gonna tell!” So he took a fit and attacked a tree. Yes, that must be it! People with inquiring minds want to know, and morons want to know too. Idiots like me are also curious.

And what about that operation awhile back. Was his wife chewing on his leg while he was asleep? Poking needles in it? Did she set a hot iron on it and forget to take it off?  Was that the cause. Huh, was it, huh? Who said that?

The 33-year-old golfer, who is at the top of sport’s world rankings, has been
mired in controversy since he attacked a tree with his car outside his Florida
mansion late last month. Did that tree do something to offend him? I think so. I don’t have any proof but we really don’t need any of that stuff, do we? The crash prompted authorities to throw a big $164 fine at him. How will he ever afford it?

    All great questions to ponder.

    And briefly consider this question. Will Santa pay him a visit this year? I just don’t freaking know. I used to have Santa’s cell number but he changed it. Was it because of me he changed it? I would have you say YES.

Gillette, Gatorade and Electronic Arts must also be devastated.