My dog ran away with my woman

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it, I’ve got no lips left but that’s okay, hey, hey.

How about this classic, “I’m gonna love you for ever, for ever and ever AMEN or until that chick across the street lets me in. And honey I don’t care, I ain’t in love with your hair (It’s your bum) and if it all fell out, hell ya I just might run away.

“They say that time stands still for nobody, but a bottle of whiskey sure slows the darn thing down!”

And how about those songs that come directly from the heart. “I love you lots darling, but if your mother comes to stay with us again I just might just accidentally run over her head with my Ford F-150 truck. And we’ll all cry, and we’ll all sigh, and then we’ll dance until the sun comes up”.

“Santa’s not coming again this year, I drank way too many beers. I made a tree out of bottle caps, but there’s nothing to put under it except an empty box of Cracker Jacks. Tell the kids that he took a heart attack, and we don’t even know if he’s ever coming back. I started that business on the Internet and when they came over they even took my Vet. My credit cards don’t work no more so won’t you please stop slamming my head in the door. Oh baby, did you sell my alligator boots?”

Well, it’s finally come to this. I’m getting myself a guitar and I’m going to become a country and western singer and writer. Yes, I will write all my own songs. “I love you as much as my case of beer, and darling I want you to know, that if I catch you making eyes at my whiskey I’ll throw you right out in the snow.”

If I catch you drinking my beer again, I’ll put the boots to both you and your friends.

And how about these classics that come directly from my pen.

Is that a horse in the yard or is your mother coming for a visit?

Are you sure that fork was always in my head?

Who put all that snot in my wallet? (went platinum)

I built a catapult for your mother.

Where the hell is your purse?

I can’t pay the rent we’re going to have to live in that invisible tent.

I’ve got nothing left to barf.

You’re not woman enough to take my beer?

Where the hell did my beer go?

Someone please kill me, I’ve got nothing left to barf.

I can’t find the basement.

Hello darling, did you pawn my wooden leg?

Why is there a corpse on the grill of my car?

Someone stole the baby, which way to Mexico? (double rust)

The car is broke, the house is on fire, don’t worry, be happy now

I’m not a horse so get the hell off my back.

I’m in love or I’m having a heart attack, no it’s a heart attack call 911.

Don’t tell no one but the neighbor’s cat is caught in my engine.

I wouldn’t sail the ocean for you, nor climb the highest mountain. But if you were sick with the flu I just might get up and sleep on the couch.

Genuine songs for real people. Real life not a parody from TV. Real emotions that come from the black stuff deep down in your guts. Not for manikins or robots or Ali Velshi, for real people.

I think this thing is finished. Yup, I have to go eat. Where the heck is my wooden leg?

Ali Velshi get a haircut!