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Funny Story About Sex – The Naked Truth

Libido isn’t exclusive to men! Wow – it hit me right between the eyes in my 20s! I’d always been a very willing participant but it finally dawned on me that I could actually ‘have it my way’ (in a manner of speaking) or as men say about sports ‘call some of the plays’ – all of course directly related to the fact that I married someone who has always treated me as an equal.

I married young – I was a young 21 to Bob’s 28 – and before I blinked, we had created 3 bouncing babies to raise. By age 26, I had had our third, my baby girl, and we were living in an 800 square foot house in a suburb of Chicago.

By about age 28, I started to really hit my prime. I began to realize that it was okay for women to express themselves in many areas – most especially in terms of sex drive – as in ‘I am woman, hear me roar !’ Fortunately for me, again, being married to a passionate, always ready-to-go husband, he didn’t seem to mind me evolving on him!

My husband has always been my very best supporter, the first to applaud my efforts in all arenas. He has likewise always urged me to ‘express myself’. Of course, in this particular arena he was definitely reaping the benefits!

As in many instances of spreading our wings though, I guess sometimes things can go a little unexpectedly. Especially when I’m involved….

Prelude

Having an 800 square foot house meant that everything was literally very close. We had 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom but with the boys in 1 bedroom and Kate in the other, we managed. Yet the best feature of this 800 square foot house was that it came with a luxuriously giant backyard.

Chicago was never my favorite place to live. The weather I like to describe as having basically 2 days of decent summer before the humidity and heat set in. Let’s not even TALK about the winters. They run from about October 1st through June. To this day, I so miss the 80 below temps (wind chill) and the icicles INSIDE my house. My 5+ years there felt like a prison sentence (I grew up in California) – but I digress.

One of those 2 beautiful evenings of summer one particular year in my late 20s, we had somehow managed to wear the kids out and get them all to bed at a decent hour. We retired to our room whereupon we set about what we did best in our spare time with a moment’s peace and quiet.

Things were just getting heated up. I was having all kinds of fantasies rushing through my young mind and was trying to settle on one that would be the most ‘spontaneous’.

I broke urgently from the kiss and whispered to Bob ‘It’s a beautiful night out – probably the last one we’ll ever get this year and it’s only June 4th! Let’s grab these blankets and go outside and do it on the lawn under the tree in the backyard.’

I heard reluctance (do ya think) as he whispered back ‘Are you nuts? The kids are sleeping and we’d probably wake them up. Besides – why go lay on the cold, hard ground when you can just enjoy the party right here in our big, soft bed?’

I hate to admit it but I’m not good at ‘no’. When I get an idea in my head, it is very unlikely to be leaving any time soon unless I end up with what I want – simply because truth be known, I don’t really ask for too many things.

I’m sure he could tell within seconds that I was going into my ‘pout’ mode. I was participating but I wasn’t sizzling the way I had been a few minutes before. I have to give him kudos for ‘keeping it up’ so to speak. He was doing his best to try and get me focused back on the bedroom and things ‘at hand’!

Finally I hear a truly painful sigh….’Audrey, I know what you’re doing – you’re trying to get your way. I don’t think this is a good idea – to go sneaking out the back door like a couple of teenagers and going at it on the grass for God’s sake! What if the kids wake up?’

Well, he wasn’t going to win. I teased him and lured him, promising all kinds of enticing things we could do on said grass. Was it any wonder he finally conceded?

He was coming around to the idea (so to speak) that if we were going to ever finish this up, we were going to have to move to the great outdoors. Bless his heart – mind over matter. In this case I think matter over mind! (You are probably thinking about now – poor man having such a slutty, manipulating wife!)

He tried (in vain) to grab some pants or some kind of cover but I insisted that if we were going to go au naturale and do it outside, we were going to be, by God, naked when we got out there. I did let him keep his sheet and grabbed up some blankets and away we snuck…through the kitchen and out the back door. After all, that was part of the thrill, the fantasy – that we were buck naked!

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The Naked Truth

Now that we are out there, we needed to find a place to lie down where there weren’t going to be tree roots poking us in the back. After a few minutes, we had selected a nice spot under the tree, close to it but not too close because of all the blasted roots. Best yet, we were far enough from the windows so that the kids wouldn’t hear things that might scar them for life but we could still hear them.

Bob’s muttering by now – things about ‘what the hell was wrong with the nice warm bed’ (this coming from Mr. Camping). True to his nature though, he forgot all that in a few minutes after I took ‘things in hand’ again – literally. Before we knew it, we were back in the dance – plunging back into the fire.

Being outside and actually reenacting a fantasy was just too much for me. Pretty soon, I was definitely going up in flames. Probably because he had not wanted to do this in the first place, Bob was taking his sweet time about things (payback and I’m his bitch). I was urging him mentally to pick up the pace.

Finally, I was kissing him, whispering to him something to the effect of ‘now’ – and he kindly obliged. He was just ‘assuming the position’ when out of nowhere much to our mutual horror, the entire backyard is FLOODED with light!

It looked like someone had turned on the sun! My instant reaction was ‘what the heck?’ I was sure that our oldest, Jonathan, had woken up, had somehow found we were AWOL and turned on the lights. I wasn’t exactly thrilled that I was going to have to explain Sex-101 to a 7-year-old boy but I figured that was my reward for having fantasies!

While all this is going through my mind and I’m trying to figure out answers in an instant, I suddenly realize that my husband has literally jumped over me and he is running. He was like a relay racer jumping out of the blocks – and I might add proudly carrying his ‘baton’ – I imagine for the ‘hand-off’. To say that he is running ‘balls out’ would be an understatement!

A car engine shut off a few minutes later and thankfully the high beams of the car I now realized was in the driveway next to ours. Car doors slid open and slammed shut. The next thing I heard was Asian ‘twittering’. When I hear a group of Asians speaking, I always hear the rhythm of it and the rapid fire exchanges. In this particular case though – we’re talking EXCITED rapid fire and by many people. (No doubt!)

There was some high-pitched giggling going on as well. More light – the porch light was flipped on flooding our backyard again with light – though not so much as before – and then a very stern Asian voice said something I loosely translated as ‘get in here – NOW’. It sounded like the back door to the house opened – then many running footsteps – the door slammed shut. Then finally blessed silence and the lights went off again. It probably all took 2 minutes in total to occur.

During all this, when I roll all the way over and look back at the house where presumably my husband has sprinted, here is my buck naked husband plastered against our brick house. He is literally pinned to the wall like a mounted insect. While I could lay there all day and admire the view (and dwell on the word ‘mounted’) I was hoping there wouldn’t be a giant hole in the brick the next day where he had impaled himself against the brick. Man, that had to hurt! (And of course all that ‘drilling’ – wasted)

I think I got out one word – ‘Bob’. He was edging along the house at a stuttering, rapid pace sideways – away from me all the while pressing his front to the brick. Before I knew it, he had opened the back door and sprinted buck naked into the house. Well! Talk about leaving someone to their own devices.

I waited a few minutes to see if any more lights would come on. They didn’t. I finally decided not to tempt fate by dashing nude to the back door, wrapped myself in the blankets and trudged back into the house. I found my husband in sweat pants lying on the bed with his arm over his eyes.

‘I’m so embarrassed, Audrey – I’m never going to be able to walk outside again’. (‘Oh man, I hope he didn’t DAMAGE his baton’ was all I could think)

Instead, I said…’Don’t be so dramatic, Bob. They probably don’t even know it was you’.

Glare….’Yeah – I only live here and it was obvious who I was since the headlights on high gave them a pretty accurate view!’ (Back to the arm over his eyes)

‘I don’t know why you’re so upset – I’m sure they must have known I was out there, too. How am I ever going to go outside then either?’

Glare – back to the arm over his eyes.

To explain, we lived next door to a Chinese family. They spoke very little English. They were beekeepers, not porn connoisseurs (that I know of). As our luck would have it, the father was also a Chinese Christian minister.

Oh but it gets better! He was having his usual Saturday night youth group (apparently) and he was in the process of bringing them all back to his house for a prayer meeting and a snack! I guess they had not planned on a SNATCH instead.

At any rate, he pulled into the driveway which paralleled our driveway in his huge church van that had about 10-12 teens in it just in time to catch the show. Wow!

Does it get any better than that? My fantasy unfortunately did not involve being a porn star. I wanted a little nooky in the out-of-doors to get the juices flowing so to speak but I think I might have gotten more than I bargained for. Gifted woman that I am, I just so happened to take my darling husband along with me for the ‘ride’ (so to speak).

Summing It Up

All’s well that ends well I always say – and our night did end in the way that we had both hoped when we started out. After all, ‘you can’t keep a good man down!’

I learned a few things though. Most of all never, ever, ever to suggest again to my husband to take it outside….although in truth I have enticed him again in other venues.

He never quite forgot that moment in the spotlight, however, so I’ve had to make sure there was no way he would be caught ‘with his pants down’ (so to speak).

It was rather awkward for several months seeing our Asian neighbors. I did not feel that we needed to apologize. They spoke such little English anyway I might have made things far worse had I tried. I was never sure if they were winking at Bob or looking at me in scorn – but when all was said and done, what could we do?

I am eternally grateful it was NOT our son turning on the lights. It could have definitely been a far worse scenario. I would probably still be squirming because I created a situation I had to explain to one of my children but then again – we’re all only human.

Years later, when Jon was in high school and we had sent all the kids away on a skiing expedition up the mountains, he came home and innocently asked me what we’d been doing all evening. I started to blush and he changed the subject and then said ‘okay – what did you have for dinner?’ and just like that, I had all the poise and class in the world to say ‘stex’ (meaning STEAKS). He was so horrified he went to his room! You can see why it is usually best if I do not speak.

As to “[email protected] interruptus”, since Bob is in the Catholic ‘reserves’ and that is a Catholic favorite for birth control, I guess I just figured at that moment, I took one for the ‘team’. I just never thought we’d ever apply this method in quite that way!

My only worry in retrospect was that it wasn’t too much information for those Asian teens getting the Full Monty. I sure hope that minister knew how to give the birds and the bees talk! I still don’t know why Bob didn’t stay nice and safe under the blankets and make like a turtle.

At any rate, I have found fantasies can come true – only sometimes you get a little more than you bargained for I guess!

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