Oh, tis the season to be freezing. Fa la la la, la la la la. Something, something, something, something, fa la la la la, la la, la LA!!
That was me singing. I know I can’t sing, and I see some of you people trying to pull your own ears off. Well, the joke’s on you because they won’t come off. I’ve tried that many times when my significant other talks to me. And if they ever do come off I suspect that I’ll have a heck of a time getting them back on.
So the topic for today is people that drink a little too much, make that a lot too much. You know who I’m inferring about (Big word eh?) The guy that thinks he’s the life of the party when you catch him
making out with your vacuum cleaner. (boy, that was embarrassing) The guy that shows up at the party and argues with the coat rack for a half hour.
“I ah, I remember you. You’re the one that stole my coat last time. You want to go outdoors! Come on you bastard!” And the funny thing is that this particular guy is one of the nicest people in the city, when he’s not drinking. Get a few drinks in him and all he wants to do is fight. “Come on you bastards, one at a time or all together!” And the football team nods.
So I’m gonna tell you some of the warning signs so that you know for a fact that you have a drinking problem. And if you recognize ANY of these so-called signs, I would highly recommend that you run away screaming. Just leave the computer and run man! Or woman, makes no difference to me. Run and scream, you’ll get the help you need. At least I did.
So if you ALWAYS try to take the arresting officer in a headlock, then you just might have a problem. And if you offer him a barrel of whicky to keep quiet, then you could have a bigger problem. (cough, cough)
Pay close attention guys, because even if you’re inebriated you can still get something out of this. If a picture of your liver is used to scare other alcoholics, that may or may not be too good. See, you could brag to the other drunks about the state of your liver, and that might make you feel good.
If you spend most nights discussing politics with your cat, that could be an indication that’s something is wrong with your cat. Or right, perhaps the little furry bugger is a genius. Hard to say in this day and age, things evolve you know. At least that’s what my cat told me. (Did you know that you can play your cat like a bagpipe? You can but it hurts like heck. “Meowww, rowww, reowweeeee, owwwwwweeeee!”
If you are often caught trying to make other alcoholics regurgitate, that’s a definite indication that is. Or if you’ve been caught licking the hull of recently christened ships, slurp, slurp, slurp. Well, you know, that’s just kind of weird. And let me tell you, it’s not easy getting up the side of those ships.
If that thing you blow in for the police guy is inadmissible because no one will believe it. Well, let’s face it. That has good and bad points to it. If your neighbor’s monkey is taking you to court for sexual harassment; I can’t see anything good about that one. Except that it’s your word against his, and who is going to believe a drunken monkey?
If you try to pick your nose and pick a nose that’s not yours, well there’s definitely something wrong there. Happen to a guy I know. (Okay it was me.) Or if you cough up beer bottle caps every night. Or if you are frequently involved in a high speed chase when you realize that you are NOT an officer of the law. That could be a problem.
“Was I speeding officer?”
“I ah, I ah, I don’t know. You got any beer?”
Recap the signs
So let’s recap the signs that you might have a drinking problem.
* Always try to take the arresting officer in a headlock
* A picture of your liver is used to scare other alcoholics
* Spend most nights discussing politics with your cat
* Often caught trying to make other alcoholics regurgitate
* You been caught licking the hull of recently christened ships
* You cough up beer bottle caps almost every night
* You are frequently involved in a high speed chase when you realize that you are NOT an officer of the law
Class dismissed.