I am holding in my hand a pill bottle and it’s FULL of pills. (I’m shaking the bottle and they make a nice rattling noise)That’s not unusual you you say. And of course it isn’t, but the unusual part is that I made them. They are green, red and pink and a wonder to behold.

What’s in the pills? I can only tell you a couple of the ingredients, the ones that are non medicinal. Well, there a little sawdust, and some car grease and onions. That’s about all I can say really.

What will they cure? Well, let me just ask you this.

Does your heart go thump da diddley, thump da diddley, thump da didley do? Does it quack like a duck. Does it actually sound like a drum solo?

Do you suffer from severe headaches that makes your brain swell? Do you pull out your own hair and then spend the rest of the day trying to put it back in? Do you suffer because you only sleep ten minutes in an entire year? Do you constantly fall asleep as soon as you get behind the wheel of your car? Do you awake screaming EVERY Sunday in church?

Do you have exploding eyeballs, exploding ears, and a nose that runs faster than your car? Do you cough up blood every time you drink tomato juice? Are you in such severe pain that every time your condition hits you, well you just have to kick your mother-in-law.

Is your flatulence so stinky that the military is considering dropping you over the bad guys in Iraq? Does your hair hurt? Let me ask you this my earth friend. Does your liver speak to you at night? (I know mine does.) What does it say? Last night it said, “I’m getting rid of your kidneys tomorrow.”

Last week my liver was singing. “I have a lump on me I do, we’re good friends it’s true, it’s true.”

Do you have exploding diarrhea? Are you walking down the street when BANG it explodes? Are you at the movie theatre when it explodes? And do others actually hear it explode? Does your dog actually indicate with his head that’s it’s you when you let one go?

Do you suffer from chronic back pain? Does your back go out every time you do? Does your joints hurt so bad that ever time you take a step you shout out, “Will somebody please kill me!”

Do you smoke during sex from the friction?

I am shaking my pills once more for emphasis. (Chicka, chicka, chick.)

Are these little pills going to cure you? No way man, you’re too far gone. Get yourself to a doctor man. Sponsored by the doctor’s association. GET YOURSELF TO A DOCTOR MAN!

Why is it that every time you open a can of chicken noodle soup there’s always one noodle in the bottom of the can that doesn’t want to come out. It’s like a Nazi noodle. But boy I fixed it this morning, it wouldn’t come out no matter how much I shook that can so I burned the house down. That will teach it. Damn noodle. We’ll just see if he comes out next time or not. Ha! Wait a minute …